Healing Through Connection

It may be difficult to remember, but when you were very young you were fully alive. Life danced through you as you, showing up as gladness, madness, sadness along with all sorts of other feelings you had little control over. You didn’t hold onto any of it or push any of it away. Slowly you began to stuff, deep inside, the so-called unacceptable and unmeetable parts of yourself. And whether you are aware of it or not, those parts influence you from underneath your everyday awareness. One of the most powerful things you can do on your journey of awakening back into life is to set these frozen parts free.

Years ago, I began writing letters to my young self who felt so isolated and alone and these letters became a way of setting my frozen parts free. And now, much to my delight, on the news, the web and social media are invitations to write these kinds of letters. As you write, you let your young self know that you are there with it and understand its pain. At the same time, you share the heart wisdom you have learned on your journey.

The first deep connection I had with my young self was through my imagination. It happened when I was walking through the neighborhood where I lived until I was eight years old and the woman living in our old house was working in her yard and she invited me in. I eventually ended up in the bedroom where a lot of heartache happened in my young life.

When I got home, I sat down and imagined the time when my little girl was living in that bedroom with popsicle sticks on her fingers and her arms tied down so she wouldn’t try to take them off. I was bottle-fed rather than breast-fed and mostly I was bottle propped. So, I sucked my thumb to give myself comfort, for comfort is necessary for survival. That wasn’t okay with my parents, so they painted my thumb with bad tasting stuff, so I sucked my fingers. They then painted my fingers with the yucky stuff too but because the need for comfort was so great, I sucked them even though they had a horrible taste. Then my parents splinted my fingers with popsicle sticks and tied down my arms at night.

When my mother shared this with me in my 30s, she talked about the heartache of hearing me wail and sob, then cry and whimper and finally fall asleep. She said this was what the pediatrician said had to be done so she continued until “they broke me of this bad habit.”  It may have stopped the habit, but it also broke something very deep inside of me. Because that kind of pain is unbearable for a child, it got frozen deep inside me.

The first time I went back in my imagination, in order to free up this frozen energy, I sat in a chair beside her bed and opened my heart to her. I was beginning to be able to feel what it was like for this little girl in that bed all alone, cut off from any source of nurturance. The second time, a year or so later, I actually got into bed with her in my imagination and held her and told her that I loved her and that even though life was going to be very painful for a long, long time, she would finally know that she was not responsible for this pain, it wasn’t proof that she was broken and that I truly and deeply loved her.

It was only after I made contact with her through my imagination that I began to write letters for now she was real to me. The popsicle sticks helped me open into the multiple levels of abuse I experienced as a child. Through the letters, bridges were created, bridges from my heart to the pain she had to freeze deep inside. Piece by piece this frozen energy thawed as it came home to my heart.

If this interests you, I invite you to find a picture of yourself when you were young and know that inside that little one is energy, which you froze in order to survive. Sit with this picture for a while so you can begin to make contact with the pain that this young child carried (for we all carry pain). You may not have had popsicle sticks on your fingers, but we’re all wounded by people around us who were wounded too.

Then, if it calls to you, write letters. Create bridges between your adult self and that child who had to freeze so many parts of themselves deep inside so very long ago, for all that your frozen energy needs in order to be set free is to feel seen, heard, honored and love.

Here are some of the things I have said in my letters to her:

I know now how deeply alone you felt as you were growing up and how you were absolutely sure that life was that way because there was something wrong with you. I am here to tell you that that is not true.

I can see that for a long, long time the only comfort you could find was in food and then you hated yourself for your so-called ugly body, sure that you couldn’t control your eating because you were a failure in all things. I am here to tell you that is not true.

You will be judged by everybody in your family. And I apologize for I judged you too, not seeing the weight of the pain you carried.

You will do many unskillful and seemingly unforgivable things but one day you will finally see that you have always done the best you know how when you were so far away from yourself.

There is not one thing you have thought, felt or done that doesn’t deserve to come home to your heart.

It may seem unimaginable to you, but you will forgive yourself and will come to love yourself deeply and truly.  And eventually your heart will soar with the pure joy of being alive.

I love you exactly as you are.

It doesn’t call you to look at pictures or write letters, just talk to your heartache that oftentimes becomes evident when you are really stretched by life. This will not only make a huge difference in your life but also in the lives of your loved ones, your community and even the world for frozen energy freezes our heart. The more you thaw your frozen energy, the more alive your heart becomes, the more you become a healing presence in the world.