Healing Feelings

I have been working for a while with a woman who had a very traumatic childhood. Slowly, the shame of all her familiar struggles began to lift. Rather than resisting her anger, fear, confusion, doubt, and sadness, she discovered how to say hello to these parts of herself.  She said it was like having lived in a dark and rainy day her whole life and now she can see pockets of blue sky.

Of course, she wanted to share this with her partner. But she noticed his responses were muted and over time it started to feel like she was sharing with a blank wall. She asked him what was going on and he said, “Don’t you realize that when you speak about your feelings you are enabling them? How I work with them is to do my best to keep a lid on them and then just get on with my life.”

When she shared this with me, she asked, “Is this right? Am I empowering them by speaking about them?”

What I first said to her is that we all have figured out different ways to survive the roller coaster of thoughts, feelings, and sensations that move through us all day long. His style is one that many people use, and it allows them to keep many of the major storms at bay, at least for a while.  But if you look closely at this style, you’ll see it’s based on fear. It’s based on trying to deny, get rid of, or rise above the difficult parts of being human.

It is true if you get lost in feelings, you empower them but what we are exploring is different than that. Rather than falling into a feeling or resisting, we are exploring the art of being with what we are experiencing in a safe way, giving the light of accepting attention it needs to let go.

This way understands each of us carries all the feelings a human being is capable of. And yes, at times, we need to manage them like your partner does. But that doesn’t bring lasting healing. In fact, when they are resisted, we actually empower them.  As the old adage says, “What we resist persists.”  These states then burble inside and influence us from underneath our everyday awareness.

What you are learning is how to be with them with curiosity and compassion. The astounding thing to realize is they are just like you and me.  When somebody tries to fix us, ignore us, or deny what we are experiencing, it doesn’t feel good. But if somebody is present for us, truly listening, giving our experience accepting attention, we relax and let go.

The same is true for our parts.  We don’t need to fix them, get rid of them, ignore them, or deny them.  For that, in the long run, empowers them.  What they need, just like we do, is focused, accepting attention.  This is why I love Eckardt Tolle’s quote that says, “To welcome whatever arises in this moment is the ultimate spiritual practice. If you practice just this one thing you won’t need to read any more books or learn any other meditation techniques. To welcome whatever arises in this moment outside or inside of you brings freedom.”

There is that lovely word freedom.  But this is not freedom from them where we make them go away.  It is the freedom with them, allowing them to arise and when they do, we touch them with compassion and then watch them pass right on through us.

She was so relieved because she could see that as she befriended the many parts of her that used to create chaos in her life, they became little ripples as they moved through her rather than wild and crazy storms.

She then asked what she should do with her partner.  The first thing I suggested is to honor that he, like everybody else, is doing the best they know how with all the conditioning they took on.  Respect for the style that works for him right now will go a long way to bringing calm and ease back into the relationship.

I then invited her, when she gets the urge to share something with him that she knows will make him uncomfortable, she imagines the most perfect response she would like to have from him and then gives herself what she imagined.

The next thing I suggested is to know that words don’t work very well in trying to get somebody to understand the approach we are talking about here.  The best way is to be the change.  Eventually, he may very well become curious about what is bringing more lightness and ease into her life.

The last recommendation was to write down the times she craved to have his accepting attention and then bring it to our sessions where, whatever was burbling inside, can be seen and accepted so when it is ready, it can let go.

What we’re exploring here is the movement from managing to engagement, from fixing to listening, and from control to connection. I invite you to sprinkle moments of engagement throughout your day by asking, “What am I experiencing now?” Notice whatever you notice.  It may be a loud sound, a pain in your neck, a feeling of joy, a mind that won’t settle down and simply acknowledge it.  And know, every time you do, you are taking another step out of your struggling mind, into the kind of attention that brings lasting healing.

The Holiday softcover book sale is still going until December 20th. Order early to ensure your books arrive by Christmas. We’re offering a buy one get one free deal and a buy 2 get 2 free deal. All books will be autographed. Shipping is not included. Use coupons: HOLIDAYBOGO or BIGHOLIDAYBOGO at checkout to redeem this offer. See Mary’s Catalog

I’m excited to announce that the next Free Live Call will be on January 16th at 5:30pm PST.  Are You Ready to Move Beyond Struggle? We will look at how to unhook from our reactions in life so we can respond instead, using our compulsions as our teachers. Learn more or Register HERE.