Grumpiness 101

It took me a while to learn how to work with the diagnosis of cancer, almost 4 years ago. I have a rare form of blood cancer that if I take chemo every day, will not kill me. My body isn’t so happy about the twice-daily chemo, but I learned to bow to the cancer/chemo as my teacher and I have grown immensely since that diagnosis.

Life wasn’t done with me yet. Four months ago, I got shingles and while it is not as intense now as it was in the beginning, it is still there. The main experience of having cancer and shingles together is exhaustion. Tiredness lessens when you get a good night’s sleep. Fatigue is freed after having a quiet weekend. But this kind of exhaustion just stays and stays and stays.

Even if I sleep for eight hours, I wake up exhausted. As I am brushing my teeth, getting my morning water from the kitchen, and heading to the meditation room, my mind is grumpy! It not only doesn’t like this but is afraid of what is going to happen in the future. But when I sit down, close my eyes, and bring my attention to my breath, slowly and surely the clouds in my mind lift and there is the field of ease and peace that is who I truly am. There is also the deep trust that whatever challenges I am working with have come as healers and not destroyers.

But when I go out into the world, it is easier for grumpiness to show up again, for the most basic errands oftentimes ask for more energy than I have. I had an experience the other day where I went to pick up three prescriptions. When I drove up to the window, she said that only one of the prescriptions was ready even though I had been told yesterday that they were all ready. “Grrrrr,” said my mind. This was the first inkling that grumpiness was here. But I simply acknowledged it, reminding it that life doesn’t always show up the way we want it to and that if I react, I’m the one who pays the price.

Since I was told they were going to be ready yesterday, she said she would have the pharmacist fill them right away and suggested I drive around the block, and by the time I came back they would be ready.

When I came back, there were four cars in line in front of me! Almost immediately Ms. Grumpy showed up again, a little more vehemently than before. But I’m so alert as to when I get tight because tightness takes me away from the ease and peace that is my true nature (and grumpiness makes me tight). When I contact the place beyond the problem factory of my mind, it opens me to the pure joy of being alive.

I was in that line for 20 minutes, opening to life, having the reactive one appear inside of me, touching it with my heart, and reminding myself over and over again, “I’m alive! This is life and I don’t want to miss it even though I am waiting in line at the pharmacy.”

When I finally got to the window, she informed me that only two of the prescriptions were ready! Another opportunity to either fall into the world of grumpiness or tap into the joy of equanimity that makes room for everything.

Rather than getting into a struggling match with the woman who was helping me, we had a good laugh about life, and off I went.

The invitation is to begin to play a game with life. Whenever you get tight, notice who is talking in your head. And rather than being ashamed or afraid of its story, bring it home to your heart.

PS:  I had a moment a few weeks ago where I began to judge the grumpiness. “Oh no, I am turning into a Karen.” The word Karen used in this context is a slang term typically referring to a middle-class white American woman who is perceived as entitled or excessively demanding. Boy, did that close my heart!  For a little bit, I was so ashamed of my entitled grumpiness that I couldn’t imagine sharing it with anybody. Then I shared it with my best friend, and we had a wonderful conversation about accepting even the most so-called unacceptable parts of ourselves. I know that grumpiness will show up again, but now, and usually, very quickly, it opens my heart so I have a greater capacity to respond to life rather than react.

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