Reframing Our View Of Death
Two women in one of my groups recently shared their experiences of losing a family member: one whose mother had just died, and the other on the one year anniversary of her husband’s death. In our group gathering, we honored and thanked both of the deceased family members because they are reminding us that life is temporary and they are helping us to get through the denseness of the separate self that thinks it will never die. Death is a very fierce yet benevolent teacher. When death touches us, it touches us to open us, not to close us. Yet, most people close around the thought of death because we are so attached to the mind-body system. We think the mind-body system is separate from life, separate from death, and we believe we have never-ending time. So we live as if we are never going to die. Death is not what our separate self thinks it is. It is an opening. Everything is going to come to an end, but the end is always a beginning.
I am reminded of the advice of the spiritual guide, Don Juan, in a series of books by Carlos Castaneda. Don Juan is described as a Yaqui Indian, a “Man of Knowledge” from a Toltec lineage of seers. In his teachings, Don Juan suggested to Carlos that he “keep death over your left shoulder.” He is saying that, without the awareness of death, everything is ordinary and trivial. It is only because death is stalking us that life is an unfathomable mystery. He is telling us that if we personify death and imagine that it is always with us (sitting on our left shoulder), we can become fully alive because it reminds us that every moment is a death. Every moment is a dying out of this moment into the next moment.
This body we live in is temporary. To the mind, this idea is very scary because the mind identifies with the body. But to whom we really are, it is freedom because we no longer take it all for granted. We don’t take for granted the ability to get up in the morning and go to the bathroom. We don’t take the ability to lift our hand and brush our teeth for granted. As we rush around trying to get out the door to go to work, we can stop for just a moment to recognize that walking around the house is precious. Starting the car is precious. Stopping at the stop light on the way to work is precious. All of it is precious.
The Tibetan Book of the Dead tells us that when the soul leaves the body, it still needs us to help the dead person on his/her journey. It can be quite a shock to those who have not used their lives to “die into life” and all of a sudden be out of their bodies. They need us to hold them in our hearts and love them. I am reminded of my own mother’s death. About a day before she died, my mother opened her eyes and said “I am so scared” and I said “Mom, it is totally safe, just follow the light.” And after she died, I knew she needed a little support from me. So I kept telling her with my heart how much I loved her and to continue to follow the light. I was able to really and truly communicate with her on a level that doesn’t require words. It is the heart that communicates and it is completeness.
As you stay more and more open to death, you can learn to communicate with your loved ones who have passed on through your heart. Whether it is losing someone you have lived with for fifty years, your mother, a small child or a best friend, it will crack you wide open. Death will remind you that there are no ordinary moments. So thank your loved ones who have passed on because they are reminding you that life is temporary and that every moment is precious. And remember that your job is to keep on trusting the process and allowing whatever is arising to move through you.
Think of someone you knew and cared about who has died, and send him or her love from your heart. How did that feel?
Image – “Reframed” Oil on Canvas by Seattle Artist, Susie Wind www.fountainheadgallery.com