What Not Try a New Way

My father was the attorney for Playland, the major amusement park of its time in Seattle. On a day that the park was closed, my father took my older sister and myself with him to Playland as he had work to do for the owner. The only memory I have of that day is standing in front of a wall of support beams for the huge roller coaster, which felt like they were at least 10 stories tall. I was six years old at that time and the owner offered to give us a ride on the roller coaster and I said absolutely not. All I felt was fear.

Because I refused, they took me over to the kiddy roller coaster and forced me to ride it even though I was terrified. That fear of the roller coaster was really my fear of life, for my childhood was very, very painful. For many years, my life was a gradual descent into more and more contraction. So much so that in my late teens and 20s I fell into a quagmire of deep self-revulsion, accompanied by horrible migraine headaches that would debilitate me. I survived the roller coaster of my life by holding on – contracting, resisting and hiding because it was the only way my young mind could figure out how to avoid the pain of my life from overwhelming me (but it didn’t work all that well!).

Fast-forward to my life now and I live the opposite. How I ride the roller coaster of life now is to relax into the ride – no matter what life is bringing me. My journey with cancer is such a fierce teacher on how much tightening around what we do not like about life only amplifies the suffering whereas relaxing around it brings space, healing and heart.

We all took on this conditioning that believes if we just control life, just get to the ‘good stuff,’ and leave the ‘bad’ behind then finally, everything will be okay. If you’re honest with yourself, you will see that trying to get to the pleasant and get rid of the unpleasant has never brought you the deep peace you long for. A good example is yesterday. Cancer, and the drug I need to take to manage it, bring up raw vulnerability and vulnerability is something that we have all been conditioned to tighten around and resist. And yesterday brought up a lot of vulnerability. I had an 11 o’clock zoom appointment with a nutritionist as my doctor wanted me to get help in figuring out a diet that works with my kind of cancer. Eleven o’clock came and went. I called the doctor’s office and asked what was going on and she said she get back to me and I waited and waited. I still haven’t heard anything. I watched myself tighten and then saw how tight I was and that I was holding my breath. With long slow out-breaths, I let go of my contraction, along with frustration and resentment.  (I was the only one paying the price for these feelings!) I came back to the flow of life, which in that moment included somebody not showing up for an appointment. Such relief to unhook from my struggling mind.

I then got on the freeway to go to my first vitamin C infusion appointment only to be trapped there for 45 minutes because of a major accident. This was a little harder than being left hanging around for the appointment as my personality is challenged by the feeling of being trapped. But again, just the tightening in my body woke me up and I realized I had a choice to either react to the situation or respond. Remembering that these were precious moments of my life, I chose to respond, and I was able to relax into spending time on the freeway with fellow human beings. In fact, there were some very delightful moments.

When I finally got to the doctor’s office, I was ushered into a very noisy room with around 20 other people hooked up to IVs and nurses moving everywhere. This is the moment where I deeply contracted, feeling very young. “This is all too much,” chanted my mind. I was hardly breathing, and my shoulders felt like they were raised all the way up to my ears! But as soon as they hooked me up and I could allow a deep breath, I recognized again that I was resisting life.  Breathing in and out through my heart, I was able to meet the part of me that was having such a hard time with all of this. As she felt heard, and as she felt she was not alone, she calmed down. My heart opened and everything softened inside of me.  I was then able to connect heart-to-heart with my fellow human beings in that room who were also dealing with the fierce diagnosis of cancer.

What would it be like this year if, rather than trying to create the reality that you want, your intention instead would be to show up for reality – for a moment here and a moment there?  For even the difficult parts are all workable. So, the invitation is to relax into life – to show up for life as it is.

Pema Chodron, the well-known teacher of awakening says that enlightenment is the art of relaxing into life. Is this easy to learn? Not necessarily so, for we have been conditioned into the opposite. But from experience I can say, a little bit of relaxing goes a long, long way. And moments such as these, sprinkled throughout your day accumulate, so it becomes easier to ride the roller coaster called life!

If this interests you, come join me in my next interactive online course, What’s in Your Way is the Way starting on January 13th. We will explore how challenges in life are a roadmap back to true and lasting healing. Please contact Devrah for more information about our sliding scale.