When One Door Closes, Another Opens

A while back, two friends of mine left their jobs and a lot of fear came up for them.

One was laid off after working for a large retail company for over ten years. She expected to work another five years and then retire from this company. She said this termination “came out of the blue,” and it has been devastating for her. For the first two weeks, she could not get off the sofa. She finally had enough energy to begin looking for another job but had no idea what she could or would do.  Her storyteller mind was having a hard time accepting the new course of her life.

My other friend decided to quit her job when the company took away the flexibility she had enjoyed for four years, including working from home. When those changes were made, she began experiencing a lot of stress and anxiety, which affected her health. She decided to give her notice before finding another job. When she became unemployed, her storyteller mind was overwhelmed and very, very scared. It thought she made the wrong decision because she wouldn’t be able to get another job. I told her that leaving a job without another one lined up is so scary for the fear-based mind, but it truly is a guide to finding out who she really is if she can just listen and trust the process.

When something uncomfortable or devastating happens, like being let go from a job or leaving a job, it is so easy to slip into the victim mode that says, “It is all happening to me.” When we are in victim mode, we are unconscious and lost in our separate self. It is important to understand that when we are vulnerable, (we are always vulnerable when we go through major life transitions, like job loss, starting a new job, or pursuing a totally new career) and our judger will come up with all kinds of stories, like “You failed at your old job,” or “You are a failure.”  We can choose to buy into those stories, or we can step back and see them for what they really are – just stories that are not true.

Stephen Levine, author, and spiritual teacher, once shared with me that when you take a step down the path of life, you fall two feet, and when you fall on your face, you fall six feet. He was saying it is an absolute requirement that you fall flat on your face in life. When you really look at it, loss of a job means you have the opportunity to start something that is entirely new, but the mind is afraid and so the storyteller tries to convince you otherwise.

For my friend that was laid off, she initially blamed the company for taking away her retirement, her healthcare insurance, and all the other perks she worked so hard to have. That was the judger making a list to show her that she was the victim. She has begun to watch the judger rather than buying into its stories. As she stepped back and no longer identified with the judger, she realized that she may not have failed after all and that this was a necessary part of her process.

She has decided to do something totally different and has enrolled in a training program to become an elder care home health aide. She is excited but also very scared because she has never done anything like this in her life. She told me that as she reflected back on her job, she realized that she was not happy nor was she fulfilled. She has opened up to something far greater than her retirement benefits, health care insurance benefits, and all of the other job perks.  She also told me something she remembered that she had forgotten since she has been caught in fear, “Mary, my boss told me something really profound as he was walking me out the door. He told me to remember that the service I gave the company for many years is what defines me, not the loss of my job. I was so scared and devastated about losing my job that I totally forgot he said this to me.”  My friend is beginning to have a completely different relationship with fear. Life took her out of the illusion of safety in her old job and she is discovering the safety of being with what is.

When fear comes, what moves us toward freedom is when we have our attention and our immediate experience together. But, it takes a while to do that. Whenever my fear-based mind is activated, I try to step back and watch it and then talk to it. Sometimes I say, “Oh, this is what life is offering. It is just a wave passing through. Here comes another wave.” Or I say “Story,” right out loud when I am caught.  I also describe physically what I am doing, and this helps a lot, “I am brushing my teeth right now. That is all that is happening.”

Another way I have worked with my fear is to ask myself “How can I be with me?” and then write down what is happening in that moment. If the mind is thinking about the future, writing it down can deepen the willingness to look at what is happening. If you can’t write it, speak it out loud. For example, I might write or say “I am feeling fear in my belly; my mind is planning the rest of the day; I feel tingling in my earlobes. I hear a truck outside. My palms are sweaty.” Writing or speaking about what is happening right now brings us back to the present moment and that is a moment of consciousness.

The next time you are caught in fear, ask yourself, “How can I be with me?” Then describe what is happening in the moment.