The Gift of Our Compulsions: The Healing Power of Questions

The Healing Power of Questions

Living in questions is one of the most powerfully transformative tools available to us, and we are only beginning to tap into its power. No matter where we are, no matter what is happening, living in questions can bring clarity when we are confused, courage when our strength has failed us, hope when we are filled with despair, and vision when we don’t have a clue about which way to go. These questions can also transform not only the sensations and feelings that are fueling our compulsions but also our compulsions themselves.

Notice that I use the words living in questions. That is different from just asking questions. Our old way — ask a question and look for the answer — is necessary in our day-to-day lives. But asking questions in this way can often bring us frustration, especially when we ask them about our compulsions. That was certainly my experience. Looking for answers about why I was compulsive and how I could stop was exhausting, confusing, and frustrating. Most of the time I couldn’t find the answers I was looking for. If I did, I usually couldn’t hold on to them, or they became obsolete. It was when I learned how to ask questions in a different way that the clouds began to lift and I was able to start healing.

This chapter is about a new way of working with questions in which we discover that the power of questions is not in finding the answers that we are looking for. Rather, the power of questions lies in the questions themselves. There are two ways to tap into this power. The first way is using what I call “check-in” questions. This type of question is about bringing our attention into our immediate experience so that we can calm down our reactive mind. In this calming, we can see what is really going on and create enough space within us so that we can listen to the wellspring of deeper knowing that is always present. The second way of tapping into the power of questions is using what I call “open-ended” questions. This type of question is about asking questions without looking for a specific answer. Through this powerful way of working with questions, answers come to us from beyond our own limited understanding. We can use each type of question to treasure hunt with our compulsions and the sensations and feelings that are fueling them.

Although treasure hunting with questions is a very fluid and alive process, for clarity and simplicity we will work with four basic questions that encompass the skills we explored earlier. We will first look at them as check-in questions, which allow us to meet and transform whatever experiencing we are having. We will then explore how to transform each question into its open-ended version so that we can ask to receive help and clarity about whatever is going on in our life. We will also note the intent of each of the questions so that you can better understand how to use them in your healing.

I have worked with these four questions with many people over the years, and, based on this experience, I have worded them carefully to bring forth the core intention of each of them. When you are clear about their intent and have become familiar with working with questions, you will discover your own questions. You can also draw from the list of other questions at the end of this chapter, listening for the ones that call to you. Let us now explore the four check-in questions.

Check-in Questions

Check-in questions take us out of the reactive mind, inviting us into the healing of response. They focus our attention on our immediate experience in a spacious and curious way, tapping us into the wellspring of our own deep knowing. The first check-in question invites us into the power of curiosity, the second the openness of spaciousness, the third the healing of compassion, and the fourth the power of listening to our own wisdom. Each of these questions allows us literally to transform our compulsions and the sensations and feelings fueling them so that we can again know the field of joy that we are.

In This Moment, What Am I Experiencing?

As we have explored throughout this book, the healing we long for begins when we can be curious about what is happening right now. That is why the first question is so powerful. It dips the finger of our attention into the river of our experience. Rather than leaving us lost in reaction, it invites us to be curious about what is happening right now so we can see the truth of what we are experiencing. This is the primary question, for it is both the means and the end to our healing. It brings us into deep connection with ourselves and our lives, which is, after all, what we most want. It also helps us to see and dissolve anything that stands in the way of this pure connection.

Most of us have a tendency to look at what we don’t like about our lives and then to get lost in how we can make it better. In other words, we are geared to making things into problems, and we have the capacity to struggle with practically everything. We want what we don’t have, and we usually don’t want what we do have. Constantly wanting things to be different, we don’t see that our lives, rather than being a random series of events, are living adventures, offering us the exact experiences we need to grow into the fullness of our potential.

The intent of this question is to help us cultivate curiosity, and it is this curiosity that cuts through our wanting things to be different than what they are. It allows us to let go of the story about what we are experiencing so that we can actually experience it. Then we can passionately listen to our lives. In this listening, we discover that every experience contains valuable information that can help us immensely in our healing. When we are willing to look at and then experience what is going on, everything that happens adds to our healing rather than feeding our old urge to struggle. The tight fist in the stomach, the lump in the throat, the anger that feels like it is going to explode are all trying to tell us something. They are messengers from the deepest and wisest parts of ourselves, and they come bearing information and insights that will help us dissolve the reactions that fuel our compulsions.

In the next three chapters we will explore how to take this question into our inner experience, where we can use it to see and let go of all the thoughts and feelings that fuel our compulsions. For now work with it as you did in chapter 7, by becoming fascinated by what is happening in your life right now. As you ask, “In this moment, what am I experiencing?” you can focus on the sounds all around you, the play of shadow and light, the face of whomever you are talking to, the wide range of colors and shapes, or the taste of your food. When your attention drifts back into your head, to your story about life, say to yourself, “ahh, thinking, thinking” and let the story go so you can bring your attention back to the immediacy of life. The more you cultivate present-moment awareness, the more you will that there is a big difference between being identified with your story about life and being present for life as it is. This process begins to awaken within you not only the longing to be present for life but also the desire to see and dissolve all the old stories within you that keep you cut off from the joy of being fully alive.

This is when you can begin to use this question to become familiar with all the old patterns within you that keep you separate. When an old story of fear, sadness, or anger arrives, simply ask this question, acknowledge what is going on within you, and then let it go. Your life then becomes a fluid dance in which you have no need either to hold on to or to resist whatever you are experiencing.

In the beginning of our awakening, all of us have so much within that we haven’t met and healed through the light of our compassionate attention. So when we bring our attention to our immediate experience, instead of being able to see and let go of what is going on inside us, we may experience confusion, frustration, and resistance. The next three questions are what I call processing questions. You can use them when you can’t open back into life because your reactive patterns are stronger than your ability to see them and let them go. These questions can help immensely in meeting and then dissolving old patterns so you can be fully connected to life again.

For This Moment, Can I Let This Be Here?

The first question is all about recognizing what we are experiencing right now and then letting go of anything that stands in the way of a full connection with life. Sometimes we experience turbulence in our minds and hearts that we can’t open to or let go of. This is the time to open to the intention of this second question — to allow whatever is there to be there. As we’ve seen over and over, the quickest and most powerful way to dissolve our struggles is to let them be. By now we are starting to understand that resisting something we are experiencing only gives it more energy. If we can accept our experience, and then be willing to look and listen, whatever we are experiencing loses its power over us.

The healing power of letting something be is built on the truth that when we tighten around life and resist, we hurt more; when we soften and open, we hurt less. Our controlling minds resist this new way of being with ourselves only until they see the magic that can happen when we let things be. The Beatles alluded to this magic in their song Let It Be.

There are two important points to grasp in understanding the phenomenal power of letting something be. First, letting something be isn’t about being a helpless victim. Rather, it helps us to reclaim our power. It does this by taking us out of reactive mode so we can look and explore, becoming fascinated with what is going on. To access the power of this second question we need to understand that our lives are not a random series of events meant to confound, upset, or even please us. Each experience we have is tailor-made to show us the doorway back into the joy of pure being. Second, letting something be is not about not doing anything. We often do what is called a “duality flip” when we hear about letting something be. Since letting something be isn’t about controlling, we think it must mean the opposite — that you just sit on the side of the road of life and let it all happen to you. Nothing could be further from the truth. Letting something be is about letting go of the reactive mode so that we can respond instead. And response is a very creative place to live from.

A great example of the clarity and empowerment this second question can bring came from a woman in one of my groups who began working with this question in her challenging relationship. Her partner was a very controlling man, and this would bring up deep rage inside her. Because he wasn’t yet a safe person with whom she could speak her rage, she found herself constantly on “pre-boil.” This subterranean anger was beginning to show up as physical difficulties in her body.

When she began asking the questions, she was amazed at the depth of her anger. The first question allowed her to take her attention off her partner and bring it back to herself. As she let go of her story about what was going on, she could become curious about what was happening inside her. At first the idea of letting the anger be was alien to her, because she had been taught to fight it her whole life. But with a little coaxing, asking the second question created enough space inside her that she could begin to listen to her anger. The next time we talked, her eyes were sparkling. “I have never listened to my anger before. I could truly experience it without getting lost in it! As I acknowledged it and listened to what it had to say, I watched it fade away. I was then much clearer about what I needed to say and do in the relationship that would be healing for both of us.”

This story shows us that cultivating the ability to let things be isn’t about being powerless. It is about moving out of reaction so that we can respond clearly and cleanly to life. And responding isn’t about being a wimp. Rather, our response can have a clear, sharp edge that cuts through muddle like a samurai’s sword. This story also reminds us that letting go cannot transform anything that you haven’t accepted as a part of you. Remember, in the story about the house of your being from chapter 2, all the parts of us that were boxed up and hidden away? Over and over they got out of their boxes, padded up the stairs to the attic, and knocked on the door of our mind. Over and over again we rejected, ignored, or shamed them. When we learn to open the door and let them into our awareness (the first question) and then accept them as a part of us (the second question), then and only then can the light of our compassionate attention transform them. Remember, this is a process of “meeting” our feelings rather than just feeling them. The foundation for this meeting is what this second question is all about.

When you begin to bring this question into the challenges of your life, you may find yourself answering it with a no: “No. I don’t want this headache or this anxiety or my craving to be here.” But this is workable too. That is the beauty of the questions. If you answer no, simply go back to the first question and ask, “In this moment, what am I experiencing?” What you will recognize is that you are resisting being present for what you are experiencing. You can then ask the second question again, for if you can let go of struggling with your resistance to being with your experience, whatever you are experiencing loses its power over you. Simply go back and forth between the two questions until you can find something you can allow to be. When your answer is yes, the clouds of reaction will lift.

At times you won’t be able to find a yes. That’s okay. If you find that you are completely resisting your experience, you can ask a variation of the second question: “For this moment, can I not struggle with this?” Remember, whatever you resist persists. To accept that this is what you are experiencing lets you reclaim your power. Know that the inclusiveness of this question works like magic. It can transform the hardest heart, the deepest grief, and the sharpest pain. Under its influence, our bodies soften, our hearts let go, and our attention becomes a healing force for our highest good.

For This Moment, Can I Touch This with Compassion?

At the center of all great spiritual teachings lies the knowledge that everything is truly healed in the heart. Respected writers, great spiritual leaders, inspired poets, and children all remind us that mercy, kindness, understanding, compassion, and love are what life is all about. The reason heart energy is so powerful is that it doesn’t hate or fear what it focuses on. Instead, it brings understanding to whatever you are experiencing, and in this spaciousness and inclusion, things are transformed.

I included a powerful story in my first book that speaks of a time when, in the midst of a great challenge, I was able to meet myself in my own heart. I signed up for a retreat called “African Drumming, Dancing, Ritual and Art.” On the first evening, I began to get an inkling of what I was in for. There was no schedule, and I never had any idea when meals would be. A transformer had blown just before we arrived, so there was no hot water, heat, or lights in the cabins and very little warmth in the big, drafty hall. At three in the morning on the second night, after having gone through many phases of a ritual, the leaders left without any indication of when they would return.

Up to this point, I had checked in with myself repeatedly and had decided that it was important to stay with the retreat. But now, in the middle of the night, exhausted and cold, sitting on a hard floor with no end in sight, I wanted to leave. Panic began to build in my body and mind as I was pushed to my limit and I felt like I was going to explode. Awareness was obscured by a mixture of terror, despair, and self-hatred. “I can’t handle this. When is it going to be over? I should have left. You are so inept and besides, you’re such a wimp,” my old voices screamed at me. Then curiosity kicked in. I asked a variation of the first question, “What is?” and my attention came out of reaction and back into the living experience. I remembered that my life is a journey of awakening in which everything is grist for the mill of becoming conscious. I then asked an open-ended version (which we’ll get to in a bit) of the first question, “What is asking to be met?”

Under the light of my compassionate attention, memories of other times in my life when I had felt caught in an overwhelming situation with no way out and no end in sight came flooding into my awareness. But for the first time in my life, someone was there meeting me in this indescribably painful place. And that someone was me.

I began to talk to this core feeling of “no way out” As I asked the third question: “In this moment, can I touch this with compassion,” my heart opened. I could say to the terror, “It’s okay. I understand.” Rather than becoming caught in reaction, my heart cradled these feelings with a deep sense of tenderness and mercy. This softening and inclusion warmed my body. When sensations of cold or panic began to seep back in, I found myself repeatedly returning to the warm glow of compassionate curiosity. As the room became colder, my heart became warmer. What had been an indescribably painful situation was transformed into one of the major healing experiences of my life. I knew as I packed to leave later that morning that I had been deeply opened and now trusted myself completely. I saw that even when I am pushed to the limit I am capable of being there for myself, touching my most painful parts of me with my heart.

My ability to be that present for myself on that cold floor in the wee hours of the morning came from the understanding that there is nothing inside me, or anybody else, that does not deserve compassion and understanding. And when our hearts finally open to ourselves, all that we have held in judgment and in fear can be transformed.

Right Now, What Do I Truly Need?

The intent of the fourth question is to help us listen. It not only invites us into a deeper level of listening to our experience, but it also awakens our wellspring of deep knowing. This is not a listening with our heads, but an internal listening to the wisdom within that knows what needs to happen to bring balance back into our lives.

To open to the intent of this question is much like being in a room with very loud music filling up the entire space and then suddenly hearing the music stop. There to greet you is the song of the bird outside the window, the hum of the refrigerator, the beat of your heart. All those were happening when the music was playing, but you couldn’t hear them. The same is true of our own deep knowing. It is always speaking to us, but we can’t hear it because of the static created by our reactions. Asking, “Right now, what do I truly need?” signals our willingness to listen.

A very important distinction needs to be made here. We are not asking for what we want. Wants come from the desire for immediate gratification, based on a limited perspective. Needs come from a deeper place that is in alignment with what is for our highest good. That is why the word truly is in italics. It invites us to listen to the deep wisdom within us. The dictionary defines truly as “accurately, genuinely, sincerely, rightfully.” All these words allude to what we are talking about here. The dictionary also tells us that true comes from an ancient word meaning “basic sense” or “firm as a tree.”

The most important thing about this question is the willingness to ask it. It is a doorway into discovering the kindest and most skillful thing we can do in any moment. Because most of us have not been taught how to truly listen to ourselves, at first nothing may come clear. If it doesn’t, don’t try to figure it out. That will just take you back up into your head. Know that turning toward yourself and asking this question is powerful in its own right. Also, asking the question awakens your inner wellspring, making it easier over time to hear exactly what will bring peace into your life.

Because we are not trained to listen to ourselves, it can be very helpful to work with this question when our lives are somewhat calm. Make a game of it. If you are sitting on the couch after dinner, check in with yourself and then ask, “Right now, what do I truly need?” Or maybe it is a hectic day at work and the candy machine is looking somewhat interesting. Instead of grabbing your purse, pause, check in with yourself, and then listen for the answer to the question, What do I truly need? Don’t pressure yourself. You may get clear that you simply need to get out of the building and walk around the block. Or you may not be able to hear your own wisdom at first. In the beginning, when all is not clear, know that just asking this question sets the answer in motion.

As we have seen, the four questions happen in a progression. The first brings curiosity into our immediate experience, the second opens a space around it, the third awakens our heart, and the fourth connects us to the wellspring of wisdom within us. But you don’t have to use them in that order. You can use just one or even just two.

Remember, the first question is the primary one, bringing us back into the living moment and highlighting everything that stands in the way of being present. If we can’t let go of whatever is keeping us from being present, we can move onto to any of the next three questions, understanding that they are specifically meant for transforming our experience through spaciousness, mercy, and wisdom. Listen to yourself. Get creative, and let the questions work their magic for you.

Open-ended Questions

The second way of working with questions that can heal us to our core is to ask open-ended questions. In this type of question we are not looking for answers. Instead we are opening ourselves so that answers can come to us from the deepest and wisest parts of ourselves. Maybe you are saying, “You must be crazy. Ask a question and not look for an answer? That is insanity. I don’t have time for this. I am too busy trying to figure it all out.” But if you watch carefully, you will see that a quest for answers keeps you caught in your head, left only with your own limited understanding. Lost in the search for the answers to our lives, we have totally missed the power of the questions themselves.

The power of open-ended questions comes to us when we realize that life is a field of Intelligence. Everywhere we look, we see its handiwork, whether it is the dance of an electron, the play of the wind, or the laughter of a child. This Intelligence is beyond our limited human minds’ ability to comprehend. If you doubt that, check in with your body. It is made up of more than one hundred trillion cells, and they all work together with barely a thought from you. Even to begin to grasp this astounding cooperation and creativity, imagine every person on Earth working with everybody else for the common good of the whole. Hard to imagine? But that wouldn’t even begin to come close to what your body does. It would take over sixteen thousand Earths, each with 6 billion people, all working together, even to come close to what your body does every day.

Although we may not be able to comprehend the working of the vast Intelligence at the heart of life, we can partner with it through asking open-ended questions. We need to understand that though we don’t look for the answer, we can still expect an answer. In fact, asking open-ended questions guarantees an answer. But if we look for the answer, we gum up the works. Let me explain.

When we ask a question without looking for an answer, it creates a vacuum that has to be filled. It is much like the process of canning peas. We put the peas in a jar, screw on the lid, and then place them in the boiling water to create the vacuum that seals the jar. Asking a question and then continually looking for the answer — “Is this it? No, but maybe this is it, I don’t know the answer, this is too confusing” — is like lifting the jar out of the boiling water and taking off the lid to see if the vacuum had been created. Of course, now we have broken the seal and lost the vacuum. To ask a question and not look for the answer literally creates a vacuum in the universe. It is a law of physics. The Intelligence of the Universe rushes into the vacuum of an open-ended question, and the answer automatically, in its own time, condenses out of the void and into our lives.

Rather than asking open-ended questions of the vast Intelligence of life, we usually narrow ourselves down to our own limited resources and understanding. Give us the simplest of challenges in our lives, and rather than going into the spaciousness of an open-ended question, we go into struggle and a sense that we have to do it ourselves. We are like students sitting in a classroom doing a difficult math problem while an extraordinary teacher stands in front of the room. Instead of recognizing the teacher and asking skillful questions, we sit doubled over our books, struggling with the problem. Without even looking up, we desperately search for the answer, exhausting all the information we have and grappling with ever-increasing frustration. We can even slip into self-judgment and despair: “I’ll never get through this.” “I’m always stuck.” “Everybody else gets it and I don’t.” Just think of your endless struggle with your compulsion, and you will see the truth of this analogy. Rather than engaging with our own deep knowing, we struggle with the struggle, never asking the “teacher within us” for help.

When I began to live in open-ended questions, a wonderful truth became clear to me: problems and solutions are two sides of the same coin, and they always show up together. The resolution to every problem we have ever had or ever will have is nestled in the heart of the challenge. Life waits for the spaciousness of a question. Asking this type of question signals the Universe that we are willing to listen to the truth and the wisdom that comes with every challenge in our lives. This type of question doesn’t work in linear time — ask a question and get an answer. Answers will come in their own time and their own way. I’ve received them while reading a spy novel in which one sentence stands out from the rest, almost as if I were reading the whole book just to receive those few words. I’ve also overheard conversations in the grocery store in which a few words pierced my unknowing and answered my question. Answers come in dreams and even while I’m taking a shower or cooking dinner. They can come with startling clarity or arrive gradually like the dawning of a day.

Until I learned the power of open-ended questions, I was like a fish out of water. In so many situations, I didn’t know what to do. I was raising two children by myself and, as I once told my oldest child, “I have never done this before!” I was also being stretched in my work in ways that sometimes scared me silly. The more I asked open-ended questions, the more I discovered a true partnership with a power that was a lot smarter than I. The clarity these questions bring was most evident in difficult situations. Whether it was a teenage daughter who decided she wasn’t going to listen to anything I said or a client who was on the verge of suicide, when I asked for help through these questions, I was taken out of my panicked mind that was certain it didn’t know the right thing to do or say. Once I created a partnership with these questions, I wondered how I ever survived without them.

I then began to ask open-ended questions about my compulsions. It astounds me now that it took me so long before I could bring these questions to my compulsions. Reflecting on this, I realized that my lack of faith that anything could heal my compulsion was so great that it probably would have chewed my questions up and spit them out in a flash. But by the time I started using questions when I was compulsive, I had had enough direct proof of their power that I knew they were working their magic even when it didn’t seem like the questions were making a dent in the process.

The art of trusting that the Intelligence of the Universe will answer our questions comes to each of us in its own time and in its own way. Slowly we move beyond our doubt that the Universe awaits our questions. We then see through the subtle but very strong illusion that we are in charge, and finally we discover the patience to wait for the answers to come.

One of the wonderful things about using open-ended questions is that you don’t have to know what is going on, what you are feeling, or even what kind of answer you want. You also don’t have to have a concept of this Intelligence that is waiting for the opening of a question. You don’t even have to trust that it will answer you. All you need to do is ask and let the question go, and the answer will show up in the vacuum created by your question. The beauty of asking open-ended questions, allowing the Universe to answer rather than relying on our own limited intelligence, is that we don’t just get an answer. We become the answer itself. There is a huge difference between understanding something with our heads and understanding it with our whole being. The answer lives us. We then know a true partnership with life.

Now that we understand the power of open-ended questions, let us explore how to use them to tap into the nourishment, clarity, support, and love that we need on our journey back to ourselves. What we will be doing here is slightly changing each of the check-in questions, transforming them into their open-ended versions.

What Is Asking To Be Seen?

We transform our first check-in question, “In this moment, what am I experiencing?” into an open-ended question by asking, “What is asking to be seen?” This question is helpful to ask when, after asking the check-in question, we are not clear about what we are experiencing.

With this question, we ask the Intelligence at the heart of life to lift the clouds of our unknowing so that we can see what is going on inside us. When we ask this question we understand that whatever is happening is a part of our journey back to ourselves. It may be unpleasant, challenging, scary, overwhelming, frustrating, or simply confusing, but it is for us. It is bringing us necessary information that will help us to unravel the web of struggle that we are caught in. Because the question, “What is asking to be seen?” cannot be answered by the mind, it cuts through our confusion and goes straight to That Which Knows. Every time you ask this question, not only do you turn toward your experience (even though you may not be able to see anything), but you also signal the wisdom at the heart of life that you are ready for the fog to lift so that you can be present for whatever you are experiencing. You just ask, and then let it go. Even if you immediately go back into confusion, this question will be working for you underneath your reactive mind. Clarity will come in its own time and its own way.

How Can I Give This Space to Be?

If you are like me, many times on the journey back to myself, I didn’t want to let whatever was happening in my life be. When I asked the second question, “For this moment, can I let this be here?” I often would answer it with a resounding “No!” I so wanted to believe that if I turned away from something, it would go away and leave me alone. When I finally had the courage to really look, I saw that when I tried to resist, deny, or get rid of a part of myself, it actually became stronger.

The joy I felt when I finally understood that I lessened the power of whatever I was turning away from by allowing it to exist was beyond words. So what do we do when, although we understand this truth, our resistance remains stronger than our ability to give something space to be? We go to the second open-ended question, “How can I give this space to be?” If you can feel the heart of this question, then you can feel deep relief. You do not have to figure out how to give these parts they space they need. You can ask for help in cultivating the healing of spaciousness.

How Can I Bring Compassion to This?

On the journey back to myself it also took me a while to figure out how to meet the unacceptable parts of myself with understanding and mercy. I judged and feared my experiences, so I continued to struggle. The idea of being merciful to the rejected parts of myself was completely alien to me. So when I would ask the third check-in question, “For this moment, can I touch this with compassion?” it would at times even close my heart more.

Whenever we find ourselves resisting, we can turn to the healing of the open-ended version of the third question, “For this moment, how can I bring compassion to this?” We ask this question to awaken the vast, healing regions of the heart, for that is where all true healing happens. If we love whatever comes into our lives, it loses its power over us; if we can be merciful and understanding with whatever comes into our lives, we will be free.

In the beginning, your mind may say again, “No way! I can’t even begin to imagine being compassionate with myself. In fact, it is impossible.” But again, the power of this question comes from the asking, which opens the door to the wisdom at the heart of life that is waiting for a question. It is important just to keep asking! It took years and years for your heart to completely close, locking you into the prison of struggle. It will take time to walk back out of the prison into the healing light of your open heart. Every time you ask this question, whether it feels that way or not, it takes you another step into your healing.

What Is the Way Through This?

The fourth check-in question, “Right now, what do I truly need?” transforms into the open-ended question, “What is the way through this?” There are times on this journey back to ourselves when we don’t have a clue about what is going on and our hearts are closed tighter than a drum. We may not be able to look at what we are experiencing, and we may even be resistant to acknowledging it in any way. This is when the power of the fourth open-ended question truly reveals itself. I call this the “default question” — the one you ask when you can’t remember any other question. It is also the one you go to when it feels like there is nothing else to do.

I had an experience after leading one of my Hawaiian retreats that reveals how healing this question can be. At the end of the retreat, everyone drives to Kona for a few days of play and to swim with the dolphins. Since leading a retreat is wonderful but exhausting, I usually spend a day by myself to recharge and then fly home, rather than traveling with the group. One year I made the decision to go to Kona with the group, allowing no downtime in between. We didn’t arrive until after dinner, and I was exhausted. When I woke up the next morning, there was not a hint of the adult within me that had just led a six-day retreat. I felt like I was four years old, and I just wanted to go home.

When I asked the first question, I could see the depth of my tiredness and the extent of my vulnerability. When I asked the second question, what I got was raging resistance to my vulnerability. I wanted to go play, and I didn’t want to feel this way. In fact, I was feeling deep self-judgment for being this vulnerable. And asking the third question closed my heart even more. Needless to say, my resistance to what I was experiencing only made it worse. I had made some plans later that day and was beginning to feel a sense of dread about my commitments. When I asked what I really needed, everything was in such an uproar inside me that I felt no clarity about how to bring balance back into my mind and emotions. I then asked the fourth question in an open-ended way, requesting help in showing me the way through this.

I gazed out the window for a few minutes and then noticed a mystery novel on a table across the room. It felt right to crawl back into bed and dive into the book. For the first thirty pages or so, I went back into self-judgment for being vulnerable and for being in bed in Hawaii. I would also experience fear of my commitments later on in the day. But about thirty minutes later, when I stopped reading for a few minutes and asked the questions again, my heart finally opened to my weariness and vulnerability. Of course I could allow myself to be exactly where I was. I had just led a six-day retreat, and the tiredness was to be expected. But I didn’t know what to do about the rest of the day. I then asked the fourth open-ended question, “What is the way through this?” and let it go. As I went back to reading I slowly became aware of a feeling of peace and strength coming from deep within me, and I was back in my center. I then went on to have a wonderful day of play and connection with my friends in Hawaii.

The power of the question, “What is the way through this?” is that it works for you no matter how confused and lost you are. No matter what is going on, you are not alone. The Intelligence that beats your heart and gives you breath (and is a lot smarter than you) is right there with you — even though the opposite seems true. This Intelligence is waiting for your request for help. Some people call this surrender. I don’t like that word, because for me it carries a connotation of defeat. I like the word open. Through this question we open ourselves to the help that is always there.

Again, posing this question isn’t about looking for an answer. It is about creating a space within you for an answer to come. Sometimes answers will come to you right away, and sometimes they will take time. I have lived in some questions for years, and the answers came not a moment before I was ready for them. As I look back on my journey with questions, I am stunned at the absolute perfection of this process, even though many times I have felt like I had lost my way, especially in the beginning. But it was these questions that cleared the fog and allowed me to reconnect, full of trust, with myself and with life.

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Just as with the check-in questions, all four open-ended questions can be used together, or each can stand on its own. At the end of this chapter I will provide different examples of how to live in the questions. For now, just be willing to live in whatever question called to you as you read this chapter.

We can treasure hunt with questions at any time in our lives, but they are extremely powerful when our compulsions beckon to us. They are magical keys that can unlock the door of our struggling minds. The flavor of these questions comes from the willingness to approach ourselves with curiosity and compassion, allowing us to explore our thoughts and feelings rather than being at the mercy of them. They open the door to more and more moments of purely being present for ourselves and our lives in a fascinated and compassionate way. And most important, they connect us with the wisdom of the wellspring within us. The key is to keep on asking questions, understanding that challenges come with solutions woven into them. Our job is to pay attention, listen, and live in questions,

Other Possible Questions

The following questions have come from my own process and from the people I have worked with over the years. I have put the questions that you will most likely use as check-in questions at the top of the list, with the open-ended questions coming after. But as you will discover, some questions can be used either way. Listen to yourself, and use them in the way that works for you.

As you work with questions, the ones that are appropriate to each situation will come to you. After a while, your experiences will be accompanied by the opening of a question, and the questions you use on your treasure hunt will be creative, responsive, and a never-ending source of nourishment and wisdom. So be willing to live in questions. I still live in questions and will continue until my last breath. No, that is not right. I am the questions, and they constantly bring me back to a deep and nourishing connection with myself and with my life.

The First Question

The intent of asking these variations on the first question is to focus your mind on what is happening right now:

What is the story in my head right now?
What is happening right now?
What are my thoughts doing right now?
What is happening in my body?
What do I need to notice?
What am I resisting?
What am I ready to see about myself and my life?
What is the truth of my experience?

The Second Question

The intent of asking these variations on the second question is to move from reaction to response, giving whatever we are experiencing the space it needs to heal:

For this moment can I make space for this?
Can I accept this as a part of me?
Can I accept this as a part of my life?
Can I not struggle with this?
Can I let this be so that I can be present with it?
Can I let myself be exactly as I am?
Can I be with this?
How can I be with this?
How can I accept this?
How can I respond?
How can I say yes to this?

The Third Question

Your intent in asking these questions is to touch whatever is present with the healing of your heart:

What do I need to love right now?
What do I need to love and accept about myself?
How can I touch this with my heart?
How can I make peace with this? How can I nurture myself?
What is in need of my heart? What do I need to love?

The Fourth Question

The intent here is to awaken the wellspring of wisdom within us:

What do I need to do or be that is for my highest good?
What am I really hungry for?
What is the kind choice here?
What is the wise choice here?
What is my deeper knowing?
What is wisdom’s choice?
How can I get out of my own way?
What is love’s wisdom in this moment?
What is the doorway through this challenge?
How can this be healed?
How do I not hate and fear this?
Where is the humor in this?
What shift in perspective am I ready for?
Where is this taking me?
What is my highest good?
What are the treasures hidden in this experience?

Bringing Questions into Our Daily Life

As you become familiar with living in questions, you can make them your own. You may live in just one question for a while. In my life, I spent a lot of time in the beginning with just the first question. Slowly, as I learned how to be present for my experience, the second question became predominant. As I gave space to whatever I was experiencing, I began to be able to use the third question to touch it with the healing of my heart. It was only when I finally knew how to meet myself with compassion and understanding that the power of the fourth question began to reveal itself. With deep joy I finally discovered how to partner with the Intelligence at the heart of life and make wise and kind choices.

You can also blend the check-in questions and the open-ended questions in whatever way is helpful for you. You may ask the first two check-in questions and then go directly to the third open-ended question. You may ask the first open-ended question, and be able to immediately see what is going on. You then go to the third check-in question and hear what it is that you truly need. Listen to yourself.

The following are some examples of how to use the questions both individually and combined. I will be pulling from the list of other possible questions to show you that the most important thing to remember is the intent of each question. If you can do that, then your own individual questions will come clear to you.

Here is the scenario: You are driving home after a challenging day at work and are in a state of complete reaction. All you want to do is crawl into your compulsion.

You ask, “In this moment, what am I experiencing?” but everything inside you is in chaos, and you have no idea of the answer. You take some deep breaths, adding a pause at the end of the out- and in-breath. As you ask the question again, you are aware of feeling confused. Then it dawns on you that the answer to the first question is that what you are experiencing is confusion! You then go to the second question, “For this moment, can I let this confusion be here?”

This question reminds you that if you fight with it, it will only get worse and will probably make your compulsion look very interesting. If you can give it space, then it can move through you rather than you getting lost in it. The second time you ask if you can let this be, a yes comes up inside of you — “Yes, I can let this be for just this moment.”

This opens up a space inside you where you can relate to what is going on rather than being lost in it. Immediately your attention is drawn to a knot of tension inside you. Knowing that this tension is created by some feelings that are burbling within you, you ask a variation of the first question, “Right now, what am I feeling?”

As you keep your attention on the knot of tension, it reveals itself as fear. You hear the voices that go along with this fear saying, “I am afraid that if I don’t do my job right, I will be fired.”

You immediately ask, “For this moment, can I touch this with compassion?” This question opens your heart, and you now can touch this scared part of yourself with understanding and mercy. You tell this feeling that you are listening and that it is okay that it is here.

You then go to the fourth question, “Right now, what do I truly need?”

A desire to be compulsive flits through your mind. But because you have been willing to turn toward yourself rather than away, it is clear to you that no matter how much you want to act on your compulsion, it will only make you feel better temporarily, and, in the long run, it will make you feel worse.

When you ask the question again, you remember that the wellspring of wisdom within you waits for the opening of a question. A few stoplights later, you become clear that when you get home you want to review the report you were concerned about so that you can discuss it with your boss tomorrow. You will then be more familiar with it and know where your boss stands on the issues. This starts to unravel the knot of fear, but visions of your compulsion are still lingering.

When you ask again, “Right now, what do I truly need?” you feel that you need to do something that will allow you to stay connected to yourself in a comforting and balanced way. You consider the possibility of buying the paper, going to a coffee house, and having a latte while you read. “No,” says your wisdom. “It would feel better to be with somebody I am comfortable with and do something fun.” So you call a good friend and make plans to see an upbeat movie together.

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But suppose you get all the way to the fourth question, “Right now, what do I truly need?” and you find resistance again. “All I want is my compulsion,” demands the scared part of you. Reaction begins to cloud your mind again, so you go back to the first question, “In this moment, what am I experiencing?” You feel the craving for your compulsion deep inside you, and you speak the truth of this to yourself.

You realize that if you fight this craving, it will only make it worse. You then ask, “For this moment, can I let this craving be?” Because you truly understand that if you resist it, it will only get worse, the answer is, “Yes.” In this spaciousness, the cravings calm down. You take some deep breaths, gently and mercifully breathing into the tightness inside you. Your mind is now clear enough that you can ask again, “What do I truly need?” This question opens your heart and reminds you that what you truly need is a healing connection with yourself. You bring your hand over your heart and tell yourself that you understand that it was a very challenging day and that you are here for yourself right now. You keep your hand over your heart all the way home, and, as your reactions fall away, you have a wonderful evening.

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Suppose you ask the question, “In this moment, what am I experiencing?” and nothing inside you wants to look at, let alone listen to, what is going on. In fact, the question fans the flame of anger within you, and you feel not the slightest willingness to explore your inner experience. All you want is to yield to your compulsion.

Immediately you go to the fourth open-ended question, “What is the way through this?” You then let that question go, allowing it to work for you. This doesn’t stop the wave of compulsion, but that is okay. It is a shorter wave than usual because very quickly it becomes clear to you that being compulsive isn’t helping you feel better.

While lying in bed later that night, feeling uncomfortable from the effects of having given in to your compulsion, the first question pops into your mind: “In this moment, what am I experiencing?” At first glance all you feel is a thick fog. But you stay with the question, knowing that it will clear up the fog so you can see and be with what is going on within you. As the fog lifts, you feel the overall feeling of discomfort in your body.

When you ask, “For this moment, can I let this be here?” your immediate response is, “No! I screwed up again.” But that contraction is so painful that you are willing to ask this question in an open-ended way: “For this moment, how can I let myself be exactly as I am?” (a variation on the second open-ended question).

This question reminds you that if you struggle with where you are, it only makes things worse. If you allow it to be and pay attention, things will lighten up, and you will learn something. As you take some deep breaths, it comes to that you weren’t compulsive because you are weak-willed or defective. Instead, there is something inside you that you don’t yet know how to take care of in any other way. You also remember that if you focus on what is going on inside you right now, without judging yourself, you will see more clearly that the price you pay for your compulsion is just too high.

So you ask the first open-ended question: “What is asking to be seen?” You are asking for clarity from the deep Intelligence that is always with you. As you bring your attention into your body and begin to explore exactly what you are experiencing, you write down on a pad of paper everything you discover — the ball of dread in your belly, the pounding of your heart, the tight shoulders, the acid stomach, and the empty hole deep within you.

You then ask, “Right now, what do I truly need?” You feel compelled to open this book to a random page and read whatever you see first. What you read opens your heart to yourself again, and your self-judgment lightens. As you turn out the lights, you ask for help through the fourth open-ended question, “What is the way through this?” knowing that it will work for you while you are asleep.

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The art of asking questions is exactly that — an art. A pianist doesn’t play Mozart after a few lessons, and you won’t master the art of treasure hunting with these questions overnight. Be willing to ask questions all the time, even when you don’t want to know what you are experiencing, when you can’t open to what you are experiencing, and even when you don’t trust that the questions will make any difference. Just keep asking, and the questions will support you in ways you cannot even imagine. Know also that it doesn’t matter if you can only stay in the space of a question for a moment or two. Just like a small pebble thrown into a huge lake, its ripples eventually make it all the way to the shore. One question sets things in motion, moving you farther down the path of awakening.

Let us now explore how we can use these questions to transform our experience, first through taking them into the sensations in our bodies.

Core Ideas

The power of questions lies in the questions themselves!
Check-in questions allow us to meet and transform whatever we are experiencing.
The quickest and most powerful way to dissolve your struggles is to let them be.
Asking these questions awakens your inner wellspring, making it easier over time to hear exactly what will bring peace into your life.
In asking open-ended questions we are not looking for answers. Instead we are opening ourselves so that answers can come to us from the deepest and wisest parts of ourselves.
The beauty of asking open-ended questions, allowing the Universe to answer rather than relying on our own limited intelligence, is that we don’t just get an answer. We become the answer itself.
The art of trusting that the Intelligence of the Universe will answer our questions comes to each of us in its own time and its own way.
The core healing that compulsions bring you is the knowing that no matter what is going on, you are not alone. The Intelligence that beats your heart and gives you breath (and is a lot smarter than you) is right there with you, waiting for your request for help.

Be willing to ask questions all the time, even when you don’t want to know what you are experiencing, when you can’t open to what you are experiencing, and even when you don’t trust that the questions will make any difference. Just keep asking, and the questions will support you in ways you cannot even imagine.