Letting Go Of The Need To Rescue Your Grown Child
A friend of mine is having some challenges with his grown son. He owns his own business and expects his father to “loan” him money whenever he is having financial issues. His father has helped him out again and again, and is now feeling like he is being taken advantage of and is becoming resentful. He is also beginning to realize that maybe he doesn’t need to rescue his son any longer.
Patricia Sun, author and spiritual teacher, once told me that we are so used to shoving a pillow under someone’s bottom when they’re being challenged by life and starting to “fall” that we don’t see we are taking away from them the growth opportunities inherent in the great challenges of life. Instead of cushioning the fall with a pillow, you allow that person to fall and grow from the experience. I told my friend to stop shoving the pillow under his son’s butt!! In other words, it is not your job as a parent to rescue your grown child (even though you both may think it is). As long as he sticks the pillow under his son’s butt, his son will not find his own inner strength to work with whatever challenges show up in his life. When you let your children experience the consequences of their own actions, you are not making them bad or wrong. You are simply letting them live their lives and have their own experiences. In other words, you are allowing the bird to finally leave the nest and fly on its own.
One of the greatest gifts you can give to your children is to not rescue them anymore. Over and over again, I got lost in rescuing my own children, only to have it come back to bite me. When you rescue your grown children, you are saying, “You don’t know how to do your own life.” They may go through withdrawals of your rescuing energy when you begin to pull it back. It can be very difficult to watch them stumble, but it is for their own benefit. Your children need to discover that they have the resources within themselves to meet their own challenges.
My friend called me the other day to tell me that his son, who lives out-of-state, is coming in for the weekend and the anticipation of his visit is bringing up a lot of fear and guilt. He told his son that he is not willing to help him out financially anymore. Now that he will be seeing him in person, he expects this conversation to come up again, and this is very scary for him. I invited him to simply love his son, at the same time becoming curious about what arises inside of him when he is not in the familiar role of rescuer.
Everything that comes up inside of you when you are no longer lost in old ways of being with life, like fear, guilt, resentment and any other scary feelings, is just frozen energy. Become curious when old, familiar feelings arise. You might say, “Oh, fear is here. I see you. I see how scared (or guilty or resentful) you are feeling right now and it is okay. I am here for you.” I call this weather reporting. A meteorologist doesn’t say the weather is bad and wrong. Rather, when you notice an uncomfortable feeling is here, acknowledge it and create a relationship with it by saying, “I see you.” This allows the frozen energy to begin to thaw.
As life unfolds, my friend will see that he doesn’t need to take any responsibility for his son’s actions or reactions. It is also important that he not judge his son for who he is or what he has done or what he will do in the future. He just needs to speak his truth and allow it to be his guide. He might say something like “I can’t help you out financially anymore, but I trust that you can take care of your own affairs. I believe in you and I know you will do what is for the highest good in your situation.”
If you have a grown child (or friend or family member) who looks to you to rescue him/her, give that person the gift of not rescuing anymore. It may not look like one, but I assure you that it is a huge gift. It is no accident that your child is showing up in this way. It may take time for your child to find his/her own way, but that’s okay. You will discover that your fierce father (or mother) energy that loves your child so much can finally let go. And because life is trustable, your son or daughter will land with both feet on the ground.
Image – “Weaving Light” by Artist Suzanne Stryk http://www.suzannestryk.com/