How To Forgive Yourself and Others

There is so much misunderstanding around the word ‘forgiveness.’ For many people, it is something you do when you or another person has done something ‘wrong.’ We often think of it as a dialog with another person, something like, “Okay, you did something wrong, but now I forgive you.” Or “I did something wrong. Will you forgive me?” This may be an important step in your healing, but it is not the core of what forgiveness is all about, for there is an element of judgment in it.

As we become a more conscious society, we are evolving in our understanding of what forgiveness really is. It is not something we can do; rather it is something that we naturally are. True forgiveness comes from the heart. It is about accepting things as they were, are, and will be. Take a moment and let that in. It is all about saying “yes” to Life – all of it. As we awaken, we realize there is no one to blame in our lives, including ourselves. We have all done the absolute best we could with the conditioning we have been given.

Having worked with people for over 30 years, I see that part of being human in this schoolroom of Life is to wound and be wounded by others. This means that all of the people in your life who may have hurt you (parents, siblings, teachers, priests, boyfriends, girlfriends, mates) have given you the pain and suffering that becomes the fuel for your awakening. And all of the so-called ‘mistakes’ you have made are a necessary part of the process. Or as author and spiritual teacher, Stephen Levine (who was 6 feet tall), once said, “When you take a step down the path of life, you go two feet. When you fall flat on your face, you go six feet!” In other words, mistakes are a part of your journey.

The deepest forgiveness I have ever experienced was with my father after he died. He rejected me when I was born because I was not a boy, and he didn’t engage with me at all until my parents separated when I was twelve years old. This is when the crazy sexuality started happening. I first felt so distant from my father and then very confused about having his attention around sexuality. I couldn’t even be angry at him for I believed I was to blame for all of it. This was unbearably painful. As time went on, I found it impossible to forgive my father because I felt he had ruined my life. Years later when I was already on my path of awakening, I began to understand forgiveness and saw my father not as the monster I thought he was, but as a human being who was lost in his own conditioning.

I had a dream after my father died that dramatically shows this profound healing with my father. It takes place in the kitchen of the house I moved into with my mother and sisters after my parents divorced. I am in the kitchen with both of my parents. I turn to my mother who is standing next to the stove and I ask, “Do you know I am the Earth Awakening?” She says “No.” I kneel down by my father who is sitting on the floor and I ask, “Do you know I am the Earth Awakening?” He pauses for a moment and says “Yes.” I then say to him, “Do you know that you are the exact father I needed for this journey through Life?” As we are looking into each other’s eyes, tears begin to stream down both of our faces. To me, this is true forgiveness. I was not condoning his actions. Rather, I was letting go of the tug-of-war I had experienced inside of me for so many years. In fact, I believe I am the one who received the greatest blessing when I forgave my father. Why? Because my anger and resentment of a lifetime were finally released and my father now lives in my heart.

What would it be like if you didn’t get caught in the spiral of judgment and resentment with other people?  What would it be like to meet everything you have ever done or ever will do with the wonderful healing of your heart? Or as Eckhart Tolle once said, “Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.”  Forgiveness is letting go of your war with Life and letting it be. We were all deeply hurt by various people in one way or another, and we have a choice. We can continue to be a victim or we can discover how to drop the rope in this tug–of–war and meet the person who hurt us (as well as ourselves) in the vast healing space of our hearts.

Take a moment to think of someone who wounded you that you have shut out of your heart. As you feel the energy of this person, ask Life to show you how to let him/her back into your heart so you can know more ease and peace. As long as this person is not allowed into your heart, you will continue to suffer. In some instances this may seem almost impossible, but you don’t have to figure out how to do this. Let the question work its magic. And it is important to remember that you don’t have to let this person back into your life and you aren’t condoning his/her actions. When you are willing to at least hold the intention to open your heart to this person, you are taking an important step on the path of healing so that you can express the kindness, mercy, and compassion of who you truly are.

Now I invite you to forgive yourself. Take the radical step of touching a part of yourself that you have judged, hated or feared, and bring it back into your heart. Even though you may not be able to see this yet, there is not any part of you that doesn’t deserve to come back home into your heart. In all of your searching for love, success and money, this is what you deeply long for, to have every part of you (the voices in your head, your experiences, what is happening with your body) enfolded in your heart. Be courageous enough to at least ask Life to help you meet what you have resisted and shut out of your heart so you can fully experience true healing.

Reprinted with Permission by http://manyvoices.soundstrue.com/