Meeting the Deep Ache We All Carry

A dear friend I have known since junior high, whom I have not seen for a couple of years, was coming to Seattle for a visit last month and we planned on getting together. We talked a few months before the visit and she gave me the dates that she would be here in Seattle, and I in return gave her general dates I would be available. Then we talked a month before the visit and I gave her specific dates as I was going to be out of town at the end of her visit. Not having heard from her I texted her the week before the visit to check-in about what dates we could get together.

All the dates she sent me were for the time that I was going to be out of town. That was the first inkling that this was going to be a teaching moment by Life. I told her that getting together with her was important to me and asked if there was any way that she could shift some things around. When she said no, it was like being hit with a sledgehammer in my stomach.

When I got off the phone, a tsunami of feelings moved through me, including sadness, tears, frustration and anger. My mind was like a wild horse that just took off running. But it is no fun to be caught in an out-of-control mind. So I went and sat down in my quiet place, softened my belly and began to bring my attention out of my whirling mind and grounding right here.  Then I was able to relate to what was happening in my mind rather than being lost in it. I could see my mind spending a lot of time judging my friend, wanting her to hear how much this hurt and justifying my actions. At moments I could feel a deep ache in my heart. But the mind would go right back to getting lost in the reactions and making this upset all about her.

But I’ve been awakening long enough that, even in the middle of these deep reactions, I could remember the truths that I wrote in What’s in the Way IS the Way: “Life is set up, to bring up, what has been bound up, so it can open up, to be freed up, so you can show up for life.” In other words, in the middle of this mind storm I was remembering that life was showing me something here; that what is happening is trustable. It may not be likable, but it is for me. And my job was to bring my attention back to myself.

When the mind is in reaction mode, this is where the breath is so helpful. Softening my belly, allowing my breath to go down into my body rather than holding it tight in my chest, I began to be nourished by the rhythm of my breath and slowly my mind quieted down. My attention, rather than being caught in the whirlwind of my mind began to focus on the nourishing rhythm of my breath.

As my attention settled out of my stories about the situation, the chaos of my mind began to move into the background and the presence of my breath into the foreground. Slowly, like a beautiful meadow being revealed as the morning fog lifts, the pain that was woken up through this situation, the pain that had been there my whole life, the pain my mind was trying to get away from, the pain that we all carry, the pain that we don’t matter, revealed itself.

It is hard to describe in words the joy of moving from being caught in the reactions of my mind and instead meeting with deep tenderness the pain that this situation brought up, the pain that was asking to be brought home to my heart.  I let the pain of not mattering know that it mattered to me!  As I met this feeling with kindness and caring, it felt heard and seen and let go.

Without even knowing it, we long to touch our pain with our hearts. But we have been conditioned in the exact opposite – we run away as fast as we can into busyness, into blame, into self-judgment, into drugs, alcohol, and food.  But hopefully this sharing will give you an inkling of the amazing healing that can happen as you discover how to bring your attention to your immediate experience, especially in difficult situations (although it takes a while to learn this) and enfold it in your heart.

So start small, with little upsets like the stoplight being too long or an ache in your toe or the itch of a mosquito bite.  Notice how you go straight up into your head.  When you are able to do so, go in the opposite direction.  Bring your attention to your breath and ask Life to show you how to respond to what is going on rather than being caught in reaction. Instead of leaving yourself when you need your own accepting attention, discover a little bit here and a little bit there how to respond to what you are experiencing rather than react, so that the pain you have carried your whole life, the pain that we all carry, can come home to your heart.