Showing Up for Your Life As It Is
What would it be like if you truly trusted your life – the state of your health, your emotions, your mate, your boss, your best friend – in other words, trusted exactly what is happening? Rather than arguing with life, you showed up for it, knowing that it is for you. What do I mean by that? When we first arrived on this planet, we were wide open fields of energy. Life flowed like the clouds in the sky. Then, over time, we were hit with bombs full of shrapnel made out of conditioning from our parents, our siblings, teachers, next door neighbors, television and religious authorities.
We didn’t know how to deal with all of the feelings that arose inside of us as we were being conditioned into unconsciousness (anger, fear, sadness, self judgment, confusion, despair are some of its core building blocks), so we learned how to hold our breath, tighten our bodies, and retreat to the world of our minds, thinking about life rather than being present for it. And the free-flowing aliveness that we were – the joy that is inherent in young children – was turned down, just like a light on a dimmer switch. We got caught in trying to manage our lives to avoid waking up the deep holdings we carried inside of ourselves. And that is suffering! We try to control life rather than being fully here for it, while the shrapnel influences us from underneath our everyday awareness.
Instead of always trying to do life, feel what it would be like to show up for life exactly as it appears, including all of the deep feelings you have tried to manage your whole life. You would understand that life is bringing you the perfect set of experiences you need in order to bring your shrapnel close to the surface so it can be released. It is a huge step in awakening when we stop arguing with life and instead are curious about what any given situation brings up inside of us. At that point, we have moved out of the victim mode and into consciousness. Even if it is just a moment of being curious about what is happening right now, it is a moment of consciousness and it is powerful.
The next step is to bring our focused attention into exactly what is happening inside of us, especially in difficult situations. What do I mean by that? Let me use an example from my own life which is in an interesting phase right now. A couple of months ago I began experiencing an intense pain in my left hip. Not knowing what it was (hip dysplasia), I continued walking on it, then limping, then a cane, then crutches and now a scooter. Needless to say, my activities have become very limited. In addition, I can’t sleep at night because of the pain, have to ask for lots of help (my conditioning has a very hard time with that), and last week my daughter was scheduled to testify in her rape trial. Needless to say, there are lots of deep feelings racing through me right now.
When I get caught in my head, resisting what is going on and falling into the victim mode (which hates and fears this experience and truly feels sorry for itself), I suffer. But I only spend short periods of time in that reactive place, and quickly I return to consciousness by bringing my attention into my immediate experience. I am able be present for levels of despair, anger and fear that have been waiting my whole life for me to wake up enough to give them what they need – my loving attention – so they can be freed. When I am that present, not leaving myself when I most need myself, it brings up waves of joy and gratitude. If this intrigues you, you can read the chapter on Treasure Hunting with Sensations from my book, The Gift of Our Compulsions.
So, I may not like this time of my life, but I deeply appreciate and respect it. Life is giving me the opportunity to release some very deep holdings I have carried around my entire life. Much shrapnel has arisen in my mind and has been met in my heart. And the free flowing aliveness I knew as a child is now dancing through my whole body. Such gratitude!
Be light, Mary