Being In The Public Eye Is Scary (To The Mind)

Some kids seem to be born with the desire to be famous, or at least want to be in the spotlight. That was not me. I was just the opposite. In my challenging childhood, I had the choice to fight, freeze or flee. I chose the latter two and my personality would have been happy to be unseen for the rest of my life. But Life had a different plan for me. Now I am a public speaker, and I write books, lead groups and retreats, and travel the world. None of these were what I had in mind for my life! 

When friends began asking me to share what I was learning that had allowed me to come out of great darkness, I spent 10 years resisting it. My mind would say, “I don’t have anything to share. What happens if somebody asks me a question and I don’t know what to say? I won’t be good enough.” But Life was determined to make it happen, and a friend asked me to come and sit with him as he taught his meditation class at a local college. He assured me I didn’t have to plan or figure anything out. He simply wanted me to share when it felt right. It was a wonderful night. But it was a 3-night class and when I went to pick him up for the second night, he was sick, which meant I would have to teach the class!  As I was driving to the college, the old fears were running rampant in my head. Rather than falling into them, I acknowledged them and then invited them to simply have fun tonight. And it was fabulous!

I am a Taurus and known to be a bit stubborn, but it finally got through my resistance that night that Life wanted me to teach. When I said “yes,” it was like Life put me on the biggest roller coaster it could imagine. Over the years, I have become so grateful that I can guide and support people in this way. Still, this didn’t make the old fears go away completely. Slowly, I learned how to be with them rather than falling into them. They still come sometimes, particularly now that Life is asking me to take on more, including promoting the new version of my latest book, What’s In the Way Is the Way. In 2015, I did more radio, on-line conferences, speaking engagements, articles, and interviews than in any other year. I now have my own radio show on Dreamvisions 7 Radio Network, Evolutionary Voices for the Quantum Age, and I have become a regular contributor to the Sounds True Many Voices blog. I am certainly opening more fully into Life. 

Last week after recording my radio show, I decided to go to the pool at my gym. This pool has floor to ceiling windows on two sides and skylights. In other words, it is a room filled with light, a room where my mind is usually at peace. As I got into the pool, I could see my mind was unsettled. When I got the snorkel on and put my face under water, I sang a song to relax myself and my mind began to let go. But in the shower afterwards, a tsunami wave of the old judgments hit me. I felt like I was chained to the surf in the ocean and one wave after the other was knocking me over. My mind was saying, “Do you think you have something to offer the world?  No one wants to hear what you have to say. Other people do it better than you.” My mind was relentless. I could see that it is absolutely terrified of taking another step in the public eye. 

When I got home, I sat down, turned within and said “hello” to my Judger. I could see that it was trying to distract me from the deep ancient fear of not being enough. There was so much tenderness for the Judger that she quieted down. Then I could see and meet the part inside of me that was scared of taking another step into Life. So, I said to her, “Thank you so much for how hard you are trying to take care of me right now and I see how afraid you are that you will fail. You are welcome here anytime you need to come. It is okay if nobody listens to the show. I heard it and it was really good!” As I was willing to be with my fear with great compassion, that part of me settled down. 

The scared parts of me now know without a doubt that it is okay that they are here and that I will listen and be with them to the best of my ability. The more I befriend my fears, the more I relax into Life. And the more I relax into Life, the more I enjoy this amazing adventure!

Image of ‘Human Eye’ by Heather Galler   www.HeatherGallerArt.etsy.com