Healing Loneliness

Have you noticed the bold headlines – Epidemic of Loneliness. During this pandemic crisis, so many people are experiencing a deep sense of loneliness. They may be by themselves in their own home with very few interchanges with other people or they may be living with roommates or their family but still feel so very alone. It hurts to feel lonely and the experts say that its effect on our health and even our life expectancy ranks up there with obesity and smoking.

We have all carried this loneliness our whole lives. Since our head began to be filled up with thoughts, we became cut off from an intimate, alive and nourishing connection with life as it is.  The pain of that distance, and the reaching outside of ourselves to ease our loneliness, has only created more pain. Trying to feed our gnawing hunger, the bottomless pit of loneliness, is one of the great heartaches of our lives.

We usually fill up this hole of loneliness with busyness, socializing, shopping, going to work in order to be distracted, dating (hoping you’ll find the right person who will end your loneliness forever). But we mostly can’t do those things now and when we can’t tamp down our loneliness with our usual methods, it becomes much more evident that all of us, at some level, are dealing with loneliness.

You may be experiencing loneliness like my friend’s girlfriend who literally cannot be alone with herself. Or you may be experiencing it like I do. I love being alone but still, inside of me is the loneliness that we all share. But does loneliness have to be a problem? Do we have to spend our lives trying to fill up this endless hole with people, compulsions, things and experiences? No. Instead it can be a doorway into healing.

I discovered that learning how to be with loneliness opened me into a deep sense of connection with myself and with life. Are you startled by that idea? I was when I first came across it but when I shifted loneliness from being a problem that needed to be fixed into a teacher, something to be listened to, my life changed.

The first thing when shifting your relationship to loneliness is to realize that how you’ve been trying to take care of it doesn’t heal it in the long run. If you doubt that, think of a time where you were in a social situation and still felt lonely or didn’t feel like you fit in or felt left out. Think of the seemingly endless dating sites that promise they will help you find your soulmate so you never have to feel alone again and yet the statistics show that this isn’t how it works. Think of discovering your soulmate only to discover he/she is dating someone else. Think of a night where you overate or drank too much or got caught in a disastrous night of online gambling. These may have numbed you out in the short term but all they do is increase loneliness.

The second shift is to realize you are never alone in your loneliness! At any given moment, there are millions of other people on this planet who are experiencing loneliness too. They could be experiencing a milder version than you are or something that is much deeper but still you are not alone in your loneliness! For this moment, imagine sending out your heart to your fellow sisters and brothers, especially children who probably feel that loneliness is all there is, and it is going to last forever.

The third shift is to realize that who you really long for is yourself. When we were little, our very life depended upon our care takers – not only for food and shelter but also for connection. In fact, the studies show that we need connection even more than we need food in order to survive. So, we experienced that the love we needed came from the outside and most of us spend our whole life trying to get a sense of love, affirmation and acceptance from other people.

Yes, we are hardwired to be social and it is absolutely wonderful to be loved by other people, but you have lived long enough to know that this is a hit or miss proposition. Other people have their own stuff just like you do and sometimes they can be there for you and sometimes they can’t. You can learn how to be a steady friend for yourself, especially when loneliness makes itself known.

Another shift in healing loneliness is realizing that your loneliness is lonely. It knows that the main person it needs love and acceptance from is yourself. It needs you to have moments where, rather than filling up your loneliness from the outside, you are simply present for your loneliness. You can say to your loneliness, “I see you and for this moment it is okay that you are here.” What would happen if you understood that your whole life is a journey back into a deep and lasting love affair with yourself. Everything I share has at its core this intention – how to come home to your own heart.

The last shift in turning loneliness from something that is wrong and you must get away from to something to be listened to is embedded in the word alone. In English, if you divide that word, it is…all-one. Let that in. When your loneliness is met in your heart, you discover what you knew when you were very little – that you are one with everything. You are a thread in the tapestry of the interconnected and interdependent web of life. And when you begin to get glimpses that you are a unique and necessary thread in this tapestry of life, you begin to see that you are loved and supported by life every step of the way. I’m not asking you to believe me but I’m asking you to let this in even just a little bit – you are not alone. This is what will ultimately fill the whole of loneliness and nothing else.

So, the invitation is to have moments where you just recognize and acknowledge the loneliness inside of you. It sounds so simple, but it is so powerful. And if it calls to you, then bring your heart to your loneliness for it has been waiting for it your whole life.

If this calls you to explore this on a deeper level, I invite you to listen to my radio show called The Healing of Loneliness airing on Dreamvisions7radio, Thursday, July 16th & 23rd at 5 AM & 5 PM PDT. To listen anytime, click Previous Episodes On Demand.