Being Here for Yourself

I live in a 107-year-old cottage, nestled under a 155-year-old maple tree. When I moved here 23 years ago, I was surrounded by other quaint cottages. But the city I live in is a hot real estate market and slowly the cottages are being replaced by huge houses with postage stamp yards. 

I’ve always been sensitive to sounds, so much so that I carry earplugs with me wherever I go. When the sounds of new construction showed up around my house, I would go to the room furthest away from the construction and put in my earplugs. But that is not working this year. There is construction going on in front of my house and behind it, and the big dump trucks idle beside my house while waiting for their load of dirt. So much noise! 

At first my mind reacted. My home is my sanctuary, and it feels like it is being invaded. How can I possibly deal with this much noise for the next 9 months, noise so loud at times it shakes my house? Also, the room where I meditate every morning is just feet away from one of the building sites. And I’m amazed at how early construction starts. Also, because I’m dealing with cancer, it is very essential that I rest in the afternoon and that has certainly become a hit or miss proposition. 

The first morning both the sites were up and running I could feel panic rising inside of me. As my body and mind tightened and I recognized that I was not only resisting life, but also, I was turning away from what I was experiencing, my heart opened. I realized that this part of me that feels invaded by sound is the tip of the iceberg of the deep invasion I experienced on all levels when I was growing up. And this feeling of being trapped and all alone needed my accepting attention. 

So instead of being a victim to all the noise, getting lost in the old belief that this is happening to me, I remembered it is for me. It is an opportunity to be present for this very young and very terrified part of me, which has waited a long, long time for somebody to see it and acknowledge its experience. Although I have met it many times in my life, I have never had an opportunity where it was close to the surface for long periods of time so I could enfold it in my heart in a more continuous way. 

I have had a month of stereo construction and there are moments where the feeling of being trapped shows up and rising from the depth is a feeling that says it’s all too much. But the greatest gift I’m getting from this time is a deeper realization that resisting whatever life is offering only creates more suffering. Resistance tightens my body and my mind as it closes my heart. It is a profound realization on this journey back to life when our actual resistance to life wakes us up!  

When I realize I am again resisting life, I then work with my breath to calm down my frightened mind and this calms down my panicked body. Then it is safe for my heart to open again and I realize that life has brought this experience to me so that I can learn how to relate to what is going on rather than being lost in my resistant mind.  

Of course, there are moments when I get caught but fairly quickly, I see it is the exact opposite of the openness I live a lot of the time. I then remember that all this suffering inside of me needs my accepting attention. Every single part of me, whether it is a sensation in my body, a feeling or thoughts in my head, deserves my loving and accepting attention. Then, I am back home in my heart!