My Mad, Resistant Mind

Recovering from my third spine surgery, I am not bouncing back like I have from the others. It could possibly be that I am dealing with cancer and chemotherapy at the same time, both of which have the side effect of fatigue. 

Deep cellular fatigue is very scary to our minds. We all take our energy for granted and when it is not here, like in my life right now, it is a seismic shift in our experience of life. At this point I cannot garden like I used to; I can just putter for a bit. I have to save my energy up to go to the store. If friends visit, it has to be for a limited amount of time. 

And my meditations have shifted, both in a very challenging way but also in a very healing way. For the first time since I began meditating decades ago, when I sit and close my eyes my mind says something like this, “I don’t want to do this. I just want to get lost in the world of doing. Don’t ask me to be present for all of the challenges in my body, my mind and my emotions. I would rather just sink into a bathtub full of chocolate!” 

But I have a powerful little statement I say, which gets me out of identifying with my resistant mind and all its struggles – “Without changing anything, notice what is here.” Sometimes it takes a few minutes before I remember this magical statement but when I do, it allows me to step back and notice what is happening right now. I can then relate to my mind rather than from it. Or as Mickey Singer, author of Untethered Soul says, “There is nothing more important to true growth than realizing that you are not the voice of the mind – you are the one who hears it.” 

When my attention is trapped in my rebellious, resistant mind, it is just suffering. When I can step back and see what it’s doing, the space it brings allows my heart to finally get a word in edge wise. I cannot tell you the joy that comes when I move from the hell of resistance to the heaven of my heart saying to my mind, “I see that you are scared. Of course, you are. I am here with you, and you are not alone.” 

Our minds are just like us. When they are met exactly as they are, they calm down. Because my attention is no longer trapped in my mind, and because meeting my mind exactly as it is opens my heart, I can now, with some comings and goings, be present for my experience. And this is what the fear in my mind needs. It’s what the deep fatigue needs. It is what the pain from the surgery needs – the healing balm of my attentive heart.  

If this calls to you, play with this magical statement. You do not have to use it just during meditation. You can ask it when you are waiting at the doctor’s office, or sitting on bus, or watching tv or during your daily walk. If you allow it, it will invite you into being open to your life exactly as it is in this moment. Maybe what you notice are the sounds around you or maybe you notice the support beneath you that is holding you, or maybe you notice some anxiousness in your chest or a crick in your neck or maybe you notice a story of fear in your head. In each of these moments your mind, your body, and your heart are all in the same place at the same time. And that is our deepest longing – to have our attention freed up from our busy minds so it can notice life and discover how to meet it exactly as it is!   

If you would like to know more about how to access what is offered in this blog, please consider joining us for Mary’s What’s in Your Way IS the Way interactive online course starting September 22, 2021. Stay tuned for course specials.