Becoming Friendly with Pain

We each experience a whole heck of a lot of pain. Besides painful sensations we have painful feelings, painful thoughts, painful memories. What do we do with our pain? We try to get away from it.  

Our minds believe if we just get rid of what we don’t like then finally we will feel okay. But resistance to life is hell. The pushing away of what is happening in this moment cuts us off from an intimate, alive, nourishing connection with life, which is what we really long for. And yet most of our life is about resisting what is.  

We were taught from a very early age to move away from what is unpleasant. But the more we resist, the more we contract and the more we contract, the more we suffer. If you doubt that, watch the next time something unpleasant comes your way, something small like a mosquito bite, a slightly sprained ankle, a sore in your mouth. Then watch your mind as it tries to figure out how to get away from the experience. “I don’t like this. I don’t want to experience this.  How can I stop this?”   

Resistance is the act of turning away from ourselves, amplifying our pain through tightening around it. We tighten our minds and hearts, causing our bodies to tighten as we hold onto our breath, raise our shoulders, clench our stomach, tighten our jaws. And when our bodies tighten, our minds and hearts tighten, keeping us caught in a vicious circle of resistance. 

When tightening and resisting don’t bring the peace we long for, we turn farther away from ourselves into our compulsions, which can range all the way from busyness to heroin. We go to our compulsions to try to numb our pain, which may work in the short run but only brings more pain in the long run.  

Whatever we are trying to get away from – a broken leg, an achy back, a wave of sadness, a feeling of unworthiness, a sense of agitation, a tight band of anxiousness across our chest – we abandon it for our addiction to resistance and turning away from ourselves. Our pain then suffers all alone at a time when it most needs our attention.    

Is it possible to unhook from this world of struggle and be with life exactly as it is, even the painful times, so we can give our pain the accepting attention it needs in order to let go? Yes!  

First, you need to learn how to simply acknowledge your pain. It seems like it wouldn’t make much difference but even a few moments of being present for your pain and softening around it can make a huge change in your experience of the pain.  

This turning toward your pain is all about befriending it. If you are honest with yourself, you will see that you leave yourself when you most need yourself. Being present for your pain rather than turning away is the art of compassionately observing what you are experiencing, including your resistance to experiencing what you are experiencing!   

Let’s take a stubbed toe for example. Mostly what we do is stay completely caught in our head, resisting the pain and maybe even getting lost in the world of blame. Instead, imagine sitting down and being present for what is occurring in your toe. What happens when you do that?  Your muscles, ligaments and nerves relax so the pain can pass through more quickly. This is like what happens when you are in a meeting where similar meetings have only created deep stress. Instead, in this meeting, something different happens. You are met, you are understood, and you are supported. Your whole being relaxes. That is what our pain needs. It needs us to relax around it. It needs us listen to it, to say hello to it, to let it know it is okay it is here. Words can hardly describe the deep joy I experience when my heart is again open to my pain!  

So, pain can turn from a danger signal, one that takes you more deeply into the world of struggle or it can teach you, open you, show you how to soften around it. Every time you respond to what you are experiencing, you are regrooving new neural pathways in your brain.  And just like strengthening your muscles for a marathon, you can regroove your brain, moving it from the almost continuous fight, flight or freeze we usually experience around pain, into the ease and peace that is our natural state.   

Yes, this is scary in the beginning. We are so deeply trained in reaction. We have made pain our enemy. So, start small. Start with the buzzing of a fly, or the pain of a paper cut, or the impatience while waiting for a doctor. Be as fascinated with it as if this were your first day on Earth. This is training in the art of turning toward what you are experiencing rather than away.   

As you strengthen the muscle of your curiosity, deepening your ability to go towards what your mind is resisting rather than away, you will eventually discover how to be there for yourself even when life is very challenging like a huge fight with a loved one or an escape into your compulsion when you haven’t been doing that for a while, or a huge mistake at work, or a kidney stone. The more you regroove your brain into responding rather than reacting, it becomes possible to not leave yourself even when life is all too much.   

Rather than spending your life trying to make yourself and life be what you think they should be, you can discover how to directly participate in your life. This is all about being with life as it presents itself. As you learn how to soften around pain, being curious about what it is like and touching it with your heart, you become the space pain is happening in and this spaciousness soothes and calms your pain. Then you discover that everything you want and everything you have ever truly long for – like, peace, joy and love – is always right here, always.  

If you would like to know more about how to access what is offered in this blog, please consider joining us for Mary’s What’s in Your Way IS the Way interactive online course starting September 22, 2021. Stay tuned for course specials.