Victor or Victim

Everything I am sharing with you in these blogs comes from my own journey. At one time in my life, I descended into darkness so deeply that my entire commitment in life was to kill myself. Everybody tried to fix me and that only made it worse. It was when I was taught to be curious that I began the journey back to wholeness.

One of the core things I have seen on this journey is that our core compulsion is to struggle with what shows up in our lives. We struggle with everything from the length of a stoplight to life and death issues. This brings forth a subtle sense of unease that is in the background of our lives, a sense that things should be different than they are. And sometimes this unease encompasses our whole life. In our struggle with what life brings us, we go back and forth between two extremes: the victor (powering over) and victim (overpowered).

The victor says that a successful life is one in which we are in control. Its core belief is that our challenges are signs that we are not doing it right, and they must be fixed, denied or gotten rid of. This part inside each of us says that if we just do it right, we will not only be able to deal with everything that comes our way, but we will also be able to control what comes. And when things appear to be going right, it feels like it is in control. The victor, however, completely ignores the fact that there are forces far greater than itself that influence our lives. It is as if we are tiny inlets on the Oregon coast saying that we can control the entire Pacific Ocean. When something goes wrong with its efforts to get everything in order (as it is destined to do), it judges that we have done something wrong or haven’t tried hard enough and it redoubles its efforts to gain control.

When nothing we do to try to control life brings us the results we yearn for, we slip into the victim mode – the part of us that feels overpowered by life. For most of us, this victim mode is so subtle we usually don’t notice it. But it shows up as tightness in our shoulders, a lump in our throat, a quiet sense of sadness we carry. The victim believes that challenges are here not only because we have done something wrong, but because we are wrong. Some of its voices are:  “Something is wrong.” – “I have done it wrong.” – “I can’t do this and everybody else can.” – “It’s too much.” – “It’s not fair.” – “Why am I being punished?” – “What did I do to deserve this?” – “I’ll never get through this.”

The victor is me against it all—trying to control our lives, our emotions, our bodies, our minds. The victim is all of this is against me. The victor comes from the belief that we have to do it all and the victim’s cry is “I can’t.” Both are reactors to the experience of living rather than responders. Both are based on fear and the belief that the entire responsibility for the unfolding of our lives is ours alone.

This compulsion to struggle with life runs so deep that we never step back and examine it, becoming fascinated with how this pendulum shows up in our own lives. If we look carefully, we will see that making control the primary way we react to what is showing up in our lives cuts us off from the very thing we are longing for – the peace, joy, and clarity of being present for life. Responding to what is showing up in our lives with curiosity and compassion opens us to this.

Loosening our grip on control and opening to life again isn’t about passively sitting down on the side of the road. It is rather about passionately and compassionately engaging with our lives as they are happening, right here, right now. It is not about trying to create a reality. It is about learning the art of showing up for reality!

As we learn how to show up for life, we discover two very important things. The first is that everyone and everything in our lives is for us. Our challenges are not accidents. They are tailor-made to reawaken us to life. The second is that there is a center of strength and wisdom within us all that knows how to live the life we have been given.

It is possible to move from controlling life to connecting with it. It is possible to show up on the dance floor of life and, rather than trying to push life around, we learn how to truly dance with it.  And it is possible to see the struggling mind clearly enough that we can open again to the ease and joy of creatively engaging with life that is our birthright.