Happy? Unhappy?

The first time I heard Stephen Levine say, “In order to be happy, you have to learn how to be unhappy,” it was very confusing. It was like a Zen kōan that was impossible to answer. But slowly, as I sat with him, read his books and listened to his CDs, the truth began to sink in.

What is that truth? If you’re honest with yourself you would see that you live in a busy, scrambling, and often frightened mind. And this generates all sorts of pain inside – physical pain, mental pain, and emotional pain. What do we do with that pain? We resist, resist, resist! We don’t see that when we try to get rid of the discomforts that life invariably brings, we find ourselves in an endless game of struggle, trying to get to the so-called good stuff and get rid of the bad.

Once it begins to dawn upon you that this approach to life doesn’t bring the lasting peace you long for, the question is, “How do I become free from this oftentimes subtle but sometimes very huge addiction to struggle that I carry around all day long?”

It is all about learning how to turn toward what you formerly have resisted and soften.  At first you soften your body and the more you soften your body, the more your mind and heart can soften too. A good example of this is what happens you stub your toe. There is a very good chance you hop around, saying a few choice swear words as you either blame yourself or others. All the while your toe is hurting!

But if you learn how to go towards that pain, softening around it, settling back into your heart that knows how to enfold this pain in care and love, you will discover the pain isn’t so much pain as it is several different sensations.  And because you’re not tightening down around them by resisting and reacting, the sensations move through much more quickly.

This is the exact opposite of what we have done with all levels of pain in our lives, so it does take a while to learn how to relate to pain rather than from it. So, we start small. I invite you to begin to soften around the little everyday contractions – a slight headache, a pain when you bump your knee on a table, an overly full stomach. As you learn how to relate for even just a few moments to these discomforts rather than sending them rejection, you begin to see the magic of inclusion, the magic of softening and sending discomfort the healing balm of your own heart.

As you work with the physical pains that show up on a daily basis, you can then begin to work with other levels of pain – that feeling of being judged by your boss at work, the self-hatred that can come when you have to let out a notch on your belt, a new dent in your car. Eventually, you can even discover how to not leave yourself when the deepest pains come, for they will – being bedridden through an illness, losing a loved one, or being stuck in the hospital after a major accident.

If this calls to you, I highly recommend you start with little pains so you can discover how to soften around them and notice they are all requesting the healing balm of your own heart. Even if you only can do this for a moment or two each day, any moment of softening around discomfort has great value in your life. And every time you relate directly to what you are experiencing, especially if it is uncomfortable, you take another step into the healing that you long for.

Does it make sense now what Stephen was saying when he said in order to be happy you have to learn how to be unhappy? As long as there are huge parts of our lives that are banished from our hearts, we can never be fully happy, fully alive, because our energy is trapped in trying to contain what we have formally rejected and resisted. But when all things can arise, move through your heart and then pass right on through, then true happiness is yours.

My newest online interactive course, Falling in Love with You beginning February 1^st will help you cultivate this kind of inclusion for yourself. This course explores how you became disconnected from your own heart and the pathway back to meeting yourself with compassion and kindness, so you can know the joy of being authentically you.