The Power of Compassionate Attention
A dear friend of mine is entangled with alcohol and seems to be falling ever deeper into it. This brings up deep fear and aching sadness. When these feelings come in big waves, my first reaction is to want them to go away. I find my body tightening in resistance and my mind tries to get busy doing something – anything except being with what I am experiencing.
In my experience, most of us leave ourselves when we most need ourselves. And yet this only creates more suffering, for what we resist gets stronger! When I recognize I am in resistance to what is going on inside of me, instead of turning away from myself, I have learned to ask, “What is asking to be seen?” I know from experience that the power of turning toward your experience rather than away is phenomenal.
Sometimes when feelings are very strong, all I can do is recognize the resistance to them. But most of the time, I can soften around what I am experiencing and truly be there for whatever is happening inside of me. It is such a joy to be able to relate to what I am experiencing rather than being lost in it or running away in reaction. This not only brings spaciousness around what is going on, but it wakes up my heart, and my heart can say to the fear and despair, “Oh sweetheart, I see you and I see how hard this is for you.”
There is a wonderful mantra from my book, What’s in the Way IS the Way that helps me cut through my resistance to giving myself the healing of my own compassionate attention: “As Is. I’m here.” You say, “As Is” on the in-breath and “I’m here” on the out-breath. “As is” reminds you to let go of your resistance to whatever is – to let go of your conditioned need to get away from what is uncomfortable. “I’m here” invites you to bring your attention directly to what you are actually experiencing. As you soften around your experience, allowing it to be here and even welcoming it, it will, in its own time, open and the energy that was bound up in it will expand and release.
In this journey of life, each one of us will come across challenges that seem almost impossible to bear. Rather than seeing them as something that you need to fight, or an indication that you have done something wrong (or they have done something wrong), with the power of compassionate attention, you can see that each of your challenges carries gifts that will reveal themselves to you as you discover the power of “As is. I’m here.”
As I have been with the deep fear and despair that has been awakened inside of me through my friend’s experience with alcohol, the tightly held knot of energy in my belly has opened up into a deeper sense of trust. And for her, I don’t like what is happening, but I trust that her soul knows what it is doing.
So, whether you have a friend or loved one who is dealing with a compulsion, a heartbreak, a big loss or an illness, or you are going through a challenging time, the invitation is to meet yourself right where you are. Or as the beloved Persian poet Rumi says, “Don’t turn away. Keep your gaze on the bandaged place. That’s where the light enters you.”
The free live call we had last week was wonderful! We will be doing it again on November 14th. I hope to see even more of you there to discuss The Joy of Being at Home in Your Life. Click here to learn more: https://maryomalley.com/free-live-call-3/
After such a wonderful free live call, I’ve decided to put all my self-paced courses on sale for $150 off, making all courses $197 each until Oct. 19th for those who feel called to dig a little deeper. If you’ve been eyeing them, then now is the time. Click this link to check out the courses available: https://maryomalley.com/shop/
Lastly, if you are wondering what I’m talking about with a “free live call” and “self-paced” courses, make sure you’re signed up for my mailing list to be kept in the loop. You can click here to join: https://forms.aweber.com/form/47/1780654447.htm
I love you and your work, Mary–but after all this time, these issues still surround “the heart of the matter” for me: After deeply soul searching, and in all loving honesty, I do not share the notion that people who are in the overthrows of an obsession that are allowed to continue in it to the point of hurting themselves and others, sometimes know enough about their souls to find their own way–without in the mean time, deeply damaging themselves, others and the planet. We had the serenity prayer as a prominent shrine in our living room when I was growing up–and my extremely dysfunctional parents used this as a motto to do absolutely nothing to solve issues that desperately needed their attention. In the midst of insanity, sometimes your heart prompts you to say something, do something, be of a vibrational something to meet this challenge. So many people are truly lost and lonely right now. You can’t “save” them–but you can be there for them–as well as stand up for yourself. It is not all about “me” and my fears sometimes…except for what one can learn from it about “unconditional” love…???…The wisdom to know the difference…aye…there’s the rub!
We have been taught that management is the way of healing compulsions and the statistics show that this not only doesn’t heal them but makes them stronger. What we are doing here is not throwing out management. I oftentimes work with people who are in all sorts of management programs for their compulsions. What we do is slowly add engagement and at some point in the process, it reveals itself to be the doorway out of the world of struggle that is compulsions. Then you can respond to the situation rather than react and your ‘doing’ comes from a completely different place. Hope this helps!
I don’t think engagement works very well with narcissists, because they don’t seem to have the ability to tell or know the truth. Others don’t exist for them. And we seem to be living in an age of overwhelming narcissism which is leaning towards authoritarianism, populism and “entertaining” conspiracy theories. The age that is overflowing with the meme of “me me me”–not with the intra-connection of “we we we.” How do we “un-trump” that? At opposite ends of the spectrum there seem to be people who feel the need to take the blame for everything and cry “shame on me”–and people who take the blame for nothing and cry “shame on them.” Flip sides of the same coin? –just thinking out loud…
Please read The Gift of Our Compulsions to understand what Mary is suggesting when she talks about engagement.
already have…thank you and bless you!
Yes! Aloha, Mary! It was great to meet with you on the free Zoom call last week and feel your enthusiasm for life! Looking forward to the meeting in November! Godspeed always, Sky Ann
I’m so glad you enjoyed it! I look forward to see you there in November! Be light!
Thank you for this
I have a 52 year old daughter who has psychological problems although she doesn’t think so
At present she is.locked in a psychiatric hospital and even receiving compulsory injections
She believes the police government etc are.all against her
She also has beautiful aspects of her personality and is very good with birds and animals
I often find these situations heart breaking
I will endeavour to put your wise words into practice
That is very difficult. I’m glad she is getting help. Thank you for sharing.