The Doorway in Despair

I have now been on chemo every day, along with a baby aspirin, for three years and have to continue this for the rest of my life.

This has caused great havoc in my digestive tract. An endoscopy last year revealed I have Barrett’s syndrome, which is acid reflux that irritates the lining of your esophagus so much the cells are now precancerous. My stomach was also filled with baby ulcers. And last but not least, for the first time in my life, I have been deeply constipated.

All of this has come from the chemo. I have tried many things to help relieve the stress on my digestive tract without much help. Last June I discovered a doctor whose whole practice is about the digestive tract, and he has created a product that is predigested food. It gives my digestive tract a break. As he said, when you sprain your ankle, you don’t walk on your ankle. But when you sprain your digestive tract, you still must use it.

I started this liquid food at the end of June, and it was such a relief. Over the weeks everything calmed down and I wanted to stay on this food for the rest of my life. But I had no stamina, so slowly I started adding food back. For a while, everything seemed to be going well. But then last week my whole digestive tract rebelled.

“What do I do now?” said my mind. Into that confusion arose the state of helpless and hopeless despair. This was my main experience of life when I was a child and it led me to three suicide attempts. But over the years, as I explored deep healing, it began to dawn on me that life was putting me in situations that brought up this despair, along with old fears, ancient shame, irritated anger, and deep loneliness. As I was growing up, I had to stuff all of those states deep inside in order to stay alive.

They weren’t here now because I was a defective person or as a punishment from God or because I was doing something wrong. They showed up because they wanted to be set free. Slowly and surely when one of these states would arise, I would still initially resist, trying to stuff them down or run away from them, but then I learned the magic of giving them my loving attention. To my joy, they would let go. I didn’t need to fix anything, I didn’t need to get rid of anything, I didn’t even need to understand anything. It was the light of my accepting attention that would set them free.

But I hadn’t yet been able to fully do this with helpless hopeless despair. It had been so all-encompassing when I was young and there was a part of me that was still afraid of it. But then, out of the blue, a friend sent me a quote from Thich Nhat Hanh:

“If you feel irritation or depression or despair, recognize their presence and practice this mantra: “Dear one, I am here for you.” You should talk to your depression or your anger as you would to a child. You embrace it tenderly with the energy of mindfulness and say, “Dear one, I know you are there, and I am going to take care of you,” just as you would with your crying baby.”—

As I read it, all the resistance to the helpless hopeless despair lifted and I remembered it is Love that heals. This despair had been requesting my heart for my whole life. And finally, I was able to turn toward and be fully with it in a compassionate and loving way. “I see you and it is okay you are here!”

This is how I have come from the kind of darkness you oftentimes don’t survive to the life I live now – by bringing home to my heart whatever is showing up! It still amazes me that my fear of despair was so great that I forgot for a bit that Love heals. But as I write this, my heart fills up and spills over for the part of me that still believes that resisting what I am experiencing will bring me the peace I long for!

10 days left on the Holiday softcover book sale is still going until December 20th. Order soon to ensure your books arrive by Christmas. We’re offering a buy one get one free deal and a buy 2 get 2 free deal. All books will be autographed. Shipping is not included. Use coupons: HOLIDAYBOGO or BIGHOLIDAYBOGO at checkout to redeem this offer. See Mary’s Catalog

I’m excited to announce that the next Free Live Call will be on January 16th at 5:30pm PST.  Are You Ready to Move Beyond Struggle? We will look at how to unhook from our reactions in life so we can respond instead, using our compulsions as our teachers. Learn more or Register HERE.