Working with Other People’s Anger
People in your life at times are angry, showing up as erupting anger, irritation, frustration, resentment, impatience, and even fiery rage. If you are on the receiving end of somebody’s anger it can be overwhelming, or it may wake up your anger. If you meet anger with anger, this usually ends up in an unsatisfying mess. If anger is scary for you, it may cause your stomach to clench, your heart to beat fast, or all you want to do is flee or freeze. It also may cause you to buy into the belief that all anger is very bad and must be hidden deep inside.
If you Google the word ‘anger,’ you will find it described as poison or as a barrier to healing. Yes, it is a poison when it is held inside or when it erupts out into the world and then possibly goes within to shame the person for their anger. But, as we have explored in the last blog, and in my radio show called The Healing Power of Anger (link), if you befriend your anger, learning how to use it for the helpful tool it is rather than being lost in it, can aid you in leading a skillful life.
As you discover how to see and befriend your anger, you can come to a place where, when you are with someone who is caught in anger, you will not be angry in return. You see that they are just trapped in their own stuff, and you become an open space where their storm can pass through you. As you get to know how anger lives inside of you, rather than being caught up in the fire and attacking in return or falling into a righteous pride that they are wrong or your way is the right way, your heart can open and meet that person with the healing balm of compassion.
Two things are really helpful in not reacting to another person’s anger. The first is when somebody is expressing anger and making it about you, they are not seeing you. They are reacting to their own stuff, for you can only see another person through the eyes of your heart. This can help you to discover how to not take other people’s anger personally. In the house we lived in until I was 8, there was a neighborhood bully called Grant. He would drive my older sister crazy. But my Mom told me that when he focused his anger on me, I would just walk away.
Secondly, it is helpful to know when somebody is expressing any level of anger, it is trying to protect vulnerabilities and hurts they have buried deep inside. We have all been bruised and battered on this roller coaster of life. We have all been judged, discounted, betrayed, rejected, and unseen. As Michelle Obama said in her book Belonging, “Everyone on earth is carrying around an unseen history, and that alone deserves some wise understanding.”
It is helpful to remember the person in front of you was once a child and most of us were raised by unconscious giants. Our caretakers were a big part of creating our view of ourselves and of the world and the vast majority of us never grow up beyond the fractured view of reality we took on before we were six. I love to say most people are children walking around in adult bodies.
Does recognizing the pain that is fueling their anger condone their anger? No. Sometimes people need to be held accountable. But if we react to them, we pay the price of our reactions. This also doesn’t mean you don’t do anything, just taking the anger, but remember reaction only creates more reaction. Responses from your heart can heal something that feels unhealable. And sometimes anger is important in a difficult situation but if it comes from the understanding that this person is hurting, your anger will be more like a surgical knife than an ax that will just bloody the situation.
If this intrigues you, I invite you to work with people in your life who show up mildly angry. And then practice with those people who are moderately angry. And finally, even if a person is yelling at you at the top of their lungs, you will be able to not take it personally. You simply bear witness to it, allowing it to move through you as the wind dances through the sky. The more you can be with difficult people in this way, you realize you are not the cause of their upset nor is it fully in your power to make them stop. Instead, you remember your heart and then your heart will show you how to skillfully respond.
Just a reminder that if you’d like to explore this further, I invite you to listen to my current Dreamvisions 7 Radio show episode: The Healing Power of Anger airing next on the 15th at 5am and again at 5 pm HERE. After that, it will be on demand, and you can listen anytime HERE.
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Thank you, Mary! I recently had an experience of someone unexpectantly lashing out at me. I was surprised but I did not respond in any way with myself other than sadness for the person. It did feel freeing not to have it be about me. I do wonder if the relationship will continue, or whether I want it to. Will it be changed within me, or can I accept the human in all of us as it is?
Search Miguel Ruiz anger quotes (from the Four Agreements) and you will find a lot of them about anger and not taking any of it personally. What others do or say is not about me. Godspeed always, Sky Ann
“There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally.”
— Miguel Ruiz
You’re welcome! I think it’s wonderful that you took that opportunity to mark your internal progress. It can be hard to see until we’re challenged. As for your relationship with this person, I think you’re asking the right question. I think I’ve heard that name somewhere. I will take a look! Thank you for sharing that! And that quote is right on point. Be light!
Thank you so much for this. I have valued your teachings for so long, Mary, and the Universe must have brought this up for me just in time for your post! I have just come off a terrible weekend where I was engulfed in shame after my beloved elderly father and he wife directed their anger at me after something I had no control over and had no part in. I fled – literally, left town- and now have opened up a rift between us that feels vast. I am able to understand that she/they were acting from fear and overwhelm, but I am finding that does not help with the shame and sadness I feel- which is rooted in almost 50 years of accepting and internalizing anger from others that I’ve only recently realized is not a reflection of my worth. How do I unlearn that overwhelming shame? How do I stop running away?
You are very welcome. That sounds very difficult. Parents, I call them unconscious giants, can be such a big part of our conditioning. Fleeing a situation like that is perfectly natural. Your awareness of the situation is an excellent first step, but you’re forgetting to give yourself grace. Unlearning, as you say, 50 years of conditioning takes time. I have a few resources you can look at. If you haven’t already, my current episode on Dreamvisions 7 radio is a much deeper dive into this topic. This blog was actually a small piece of what I wrote for this episode. It will be on demand after the 15th. And, of course, you are more than welcome to join us March 12th for the live call. But until then, I would recommend taking some quiet time to meet with yourself. Talk to your shame as if you were a friend. What would you say to a friend going through this? Listen to what your shame has to say, without judgement if you can. Try to deep breathe through this to keep yourself calm but if it becomes too much, then stop. You can try again later. Make sure to do something you enjoy to recoup. Maybe take a bath or a walk, or watch something funny. You’re already on your journey! Celebrate that! Be light!
Hello again Maggie! I was thinking the Disarming the Judger chapter from Belonging to Life might be of some use to you here as well. I will have Aja send a PDF of it to you attached to an email, I hope that’s alright! I hope it is helpful to you. Be light!
Thank you so much for your kind and generous response. I did not expect it! Yes, I am forgetting to give myself grace. Thank you for giving it to men, and reminding me to give it to myself. It is so lightening to hear that my response (reaction?) was perfectly natural and that I can sit with myself over this and be ok. I will definitely listen to the radio presentation later today, And thank you so much for the chapter- again, so generous! I have Belonging to Life (I think I have all your books, LOL) and I looked at Chapter 7 and saw that when I read it years ago, I had underlined and put stars next to the Robert Bly quote about us arriving as 360 degree balls of radiance, putting ourselves at the feet of our parents saying “here I am,” and their response: ” I want you to be different.” Yes, that section of the chapter really rings true. I also opened up to a dog-eared page and star on page 228 next to “Our pain has waited our whole lives for us to be present for it.” Right now I feel like the lion has just knocked me down and is breathing and drooling on my face…and it so so lovely to know that this great pain I feel is really a gift on the lion’s tongue. I’m so grateful to you for helping me see that this is true. Much Love.
You are so welcome! And I’m very glad I could help. You are on your way! Trust your journey. Be light.