Loving Ourselves From the Inside Out

In less than two weeks, my interactive online course, Being Healed by Our Compulsions will start again. When I began planning for the course, I decided to randomly open The Gift Of Our Compulsions to see what it could offer for the class. I opened it to the story below, which is so fitting for our compulsions, if we listen to them, they can be our guide back into rediscovering how to meet ourselves – every single part of ourselves – in our own hearts. 

“Before I got up to speak at a four-day conference in the beautiful Cascade Mountains of Washington State, I looked across the aisle, and there, nestled in her mother’s arms, was Emily. This image of a child totally safe in the world and completely loved touched me deeply. As the program on stage began, I kept turning my head and drinking in this nourishing image. Soon Emily noticed my gaze, and we began a love affair with our eyes that quickly developed into dancing, laughter, and hugs. 

“Matthew Fox was the keynote speaker, and the next day I felt compelled to attend his talk. Fox spoke from his heart, moving us into a passionate willingness to hold our vision for the world. He then had us dance this vision, and there was Emily beside me, so alive and so free. She reminded me of my own aliveness before I became withdrawn and frozen as a child. 

“After we had danced, Matthew had us get down on our knees with our foreheads on the floor and wail for all the unconsciousness of the world — our collective rage, bigotry, arrogance, self-judgment, and so on. About a minute into it, I had the urge to sit up, and there was Emily, with tears streaming down her face, weaving through all the kneeling people, desperately looking for her mother. As she headed toward me, I put my arms out, but at the last moment she veered off in search of mama. I felt a wave of grief that almost knocked me over. It only lasted for a few moments until relief came when I saw Emily’s mom lift her right arm, as if it were a wing, and scoop Emily underneath her in an act of true mothering. Tears poured down my cheeks, tears of grief at not being able to comfort her and tears of joy at seeing her comforted. 

“I realized with stunning clarity that this was a metaphor for my own life. For most of it, I had wandered in disconnection, desperately looking for someplace where I could rest in love. The grief was not only for all the times I felt so isolated and alone; it was also for all the times that I was unable to be present for myself. The relief I felt came from knowing how to lift my wing and enfold myself in my own heart no matter what was happening. 

“On that floor, with the voices of hundreds of people crashing all around me, my heart opened. I let in all the love that my struggling, judging, fearing mind had separated me from for so long. Rivers of love moved through my whole body as tears of joy cascaded down my face. Ah, the healing of the heart, the healing of acceptance, the healing of love. For those few moments, I remembered the joy of loving myself from the inside out.” 

If this intrigues you, I invite you to join me in exploring the art of Healing AND Being Healed by Our Compulsions. The next class begins on January 12th. Follow this link for more information. Sliding scale available.